Saturday, December 29, 2007

Rewind please....

If there was a rewind button on life, I'd like to hit it about now. And go back to change everything. On the 23rd we found out that my friend Cheri lost her battle with cancer and went home to be with the Lord. She lived her life with such grace, and lived her last days still putting God and others before herself. She has a grace that I do not have. Sitting in her service today was hard, not because of her being gone. As hard as it is to say goodbye, harder still is looking at my own life. My faith has been shaken. Really since we lost Kaily it hasn't been the same.

I wish I could say I trust Him no matter what comes, but when it comes to bearing children, I cannot. It is too painful and too deep a desire; so much a part of me that it's almost me myself. To separate the desire to bear children and to love and nurture them would be to deny who I am at my core. Yet this is what He requires of me? It is too hard to swallow. I don't have the strength to do it. So I am at a stand-still. I want to love Him no matter what, to live my life as Cheri did (and as Job) and say, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!" I want to be that person who can say the Lord is good regardless of what circumstances come. And I know the Lord suffered as well...

But when that taking away is a child ripped from the womb, the truth becomes a sword. How can we run to God for comfort when He is the only one that has control over whether a soul lives or dies? How can I pray to Him when I fear Him? Can I say "blessed be the name of the Lord" when I'm sick as a dog and miscarrying; when my friend has dies of cancer; when everyone in the house is puking while I'm still trying to recover and I am having a mental breakdown because I cannot handle one more thing; when I miss Christmas celebrations altogether because I'm too sick to be coherent? Evidently I can't say it. As much as I want to be, I am not that person. I just don't know how to be.

Maybe the pain is too fresh. Maybe tomorrow will bring with it fresh hope.

But month after month of not being pregnant followed by the dread of assuming that positive pregnancy test equals dead baby? My hope is wavering somewhere in the distance. I only wish I could hold it in my hand again.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


To top yesterday off I got the stomach flu and had to go in to get rehydrated. They confirmed that it was a miscarriage, as my hcg was only 10. Still feeling physically awful today and dreading months of ttc again.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

Christmas is a downer for me this year. Dorothy is sick. And last week we found out we were pregnant again, only to start bleeding this morning. Just don't know how I feel about going through ttc again.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Sorry to leave you all hanging...

We finally have internet at our new place. Not too much time to write at the moment, but I'll get on later to update you:)

Thursday, November 22, 2007


Happy Thanksgiving today:)

And Happy Moving Day for us tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

So about one of those interesting facts....

I am compulsively organized. Let's just say David and I had a chuckle at my expense last night when I showed him how to fold an undershirt rather than crinkle it into a pile. He took his stack of "folded" t-shirts and put them in the front of the drawer. For most people, this would be the normal thing to do, I assume. But this little feeling inside me makes me rotate everything, so that no one thing gets worn more than the others. Even underwear. David laughed at my compulsive need to put the newly folded stack in the back of the drawer... and then put the newly folded socks underneath the old ones. It just helps my peace of mind.

But last night I have never laughed at myself so much. I asked David if he would rather have a slob for a wife or someone who is organized. He said, "of course, I would rather have someone who.... rotates their underwear (snicker)."

So I say, "honey, are you laughing at my anal nature?"

"WHAT about your ANAL nature???"

Monday, November 19, 2007

Just because she's too darn cute!

The Kitchen

I am spending today trying to pack the kitchen. With 3 kids in the house, it seems quite a daunting task, but I have accomplished much more than I thought I would. Not only did I organize and pack most of the bathroom things, I have packed 2 boxes of kitchen things AND cleaned out the refrigerator. I am also taking this as an opportunity to take some things to Goodwill. It feels good to be making more progress, but I wish we had more help come Friday. David and I (and probably my brother) will be the only ones to move all the furniture. I hope these wimpy arms hold out!

On the ttc front, my temp was back up a bit today after some spotting yesterday. Still holding out some hope, but I'm still fairly certain AF will show her face sometime today or tomorrow. If not, I'm testing on Wednesday morning. That will usually bring her on if I'm not pregnant.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

oh, well

I missed yesterday posting, but it was bound to happen because of the whole moving process. We got a lot done yesterday, 2 full loads of boxes moved. The hard job left is the kitchen and the furniture... especially since we haven't recruited any help. We're probably crazy for trying to do it ourselves.

TTC is a drag... I am pretty sure AF is on the way due to a below-the-coverline temperature this morning, so it will most likely be on to cycle #4 within the next 2 days or so. I wish it were easier.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Our new futon...

will be like sleeping on a big, soft pillow. We picked it out tonight, but it won't be in until December 12th. I like that we were able to custom order everything (even the throw pillows) the way we wanted. The only thing that hurts is the wallet, but it should be a good investment. Well worth the extra $ to have a good night's sleep AND a nice couch.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Plugging along

I had some dental work done today, so I am a bit out of sorts. That and taking care of kids with diarrhea does not make for pleasant days. But we're making it. Moving day is a week from tomorrow and I still have quite a bit of packing to do. We're hoping to make some good headway this weekend. Yee-haw.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's only 8:30

And I'm really tired, so I'm heading to bed.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Whew again.

We finished putting together our new furniture this afternoon. And anyone that has been to Ikea knows that this is no small feat. There is still much packing to be done, but being that we don't have to unpack as many things (we won't have a kitchen or bookshelves) the main part will be the packing. Oh, and the moving the furniture, which is always joyful.

I'm off to watch Heroes because we missed it on Monday. TTFN.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Mission Accomplished.

Four items of furniture bought. Two put together. Two to go. Whew.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Bad month to post every day

We've been so busy I've hardly had time to write a decent entry. But if you haven't seen this movie, I would highly recommend that you go get it. And laugh.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Another busy day...

In munchkin land. I'm having a much easier time watching 3 kids than I thought I would. I really enjoy bonding with my nieces:) I just wish this whole situation was different, though. Any tips on explaining divorce to a 4-year-old who just wants to know why mommy isn't living at home any more?

Tonight we went to look at nicer futons and mattresses because it turns out we are going to be using one room for the living/bedroom. It will be tight, but well worth the sacrifice, I think.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Not another one-liner.

We just got home from a Blazer game and Dorothy is NOT wanting to go to bed, so needless to say, not a whole lot of writing is going to happen in the next 30 or so minutes. Maybe we'll have more luck tomorrow?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Because it's NABLOPOMO

I'd better post before I forget. Maybe more to come tonight. I am just so not there right now.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sunday night and feelin' fine

It's been a long, fairly relaxing weekend. David and I went to our new Ikea this weekend, which was great, as Ikea should be. We were checking out some furniture items that we'll need to make the best use of the space in my brother's downstairs, and we picked out a computer hutch as well as an entertainment center and (hopefully) a couch or loveseat. I sang at church this weekend, too. And we played this game a few times (for any of you strategy game fans out there). Please don't mind the fact that my posts are short because I'm packing (errmmm... and watching some TV). Hey, at least I am putting in the effort, right?

Friday, November 02, 2007

On blogging (or not)

Part of the reason I've been away is the fact that I just don't want to go there...

Having to take time off from school was a hard, emotional decision. Although I am hoping to pick up one class per term starting in January.

We're moving. AGAIN. Our lease is up on November 30th, and my brother asked us to move into his downstairs. This means we can save up some money because I will be doing child care in exchange for most of the rent. And now I won't have to get Dorothy and I up at ungodly hours of the morning.

We're ttc #2, and frankly, I forgot how much I didn't like the ttc process. Do all the pregnant people come out of hiding when one wants a baby and must wait for her right timing? My theory is that they must. We have been also tossing around the idea of adopting instead (since the high-risk pregnancy is so hard), but looking at the figures, it's crazy expensive... like $20,000+ expensive. But my thought is if it is supposed to happen, God will provide in His own way.

Dorothy is getting to be so much fun. She is saying more and more "words" and has finally started to pull up to standing. She can't stand on her own yet, but I know it's coming. She was a fluffy little ducky for halloween, so pictures of that are coming.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Here we go again...

No, not another baby. Another month of blogging.... NABLOPOMO (national blog posting month) is here again. I have signed myself up yet again, so maybe I'll get inspired or something crazy like that.
Or maybe I'll just be lazy and start with the pictures I promised a bazillion months ago (there are more, I just have to find them):

Friday, October 05, 2007

Not inspired

I'm not exactly inspired to write, as you can see. We've just had too much going on to want to get into it... and I still don't really want to. I guess I've been taking that break I've been needing. I am still keeping up on reading for the most part.

I had to (well, more like chose to for my sanity) drop out of school for the term, possibly up to a couple of years, due to my brother needing a M-F 7:30-5:00 caregiver for his 2 girls. He is going through a messy divorce right now, so family has been keeping me busy. In short, I don't know how much I'll be blogging for the next little while. Having 3 little kids in the house doesn't leave much time!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I know....

It's been entirely too long. And I will get some pictures up of our vacation soon. We had a lot of fun in California, and Dorothy did pretty well in the car. She seemed a bit more fussy on the way home than she was on the way down. She also seemed to really enjoy being in new places every day, meeting new babies! When we're at home together she gets bored with seeing only mommy's face, I think.

This is the final week of summer term, so I'll be working on that for a few days. Then Dorothy has her birthday party on Saturday. She'll be one on the 5th, and that, folks, is truly blowing my mind. How can time go by so fast? Next week she's starting day care, as I wanted her to have some adjustment time before I start school, which will also give me some time to get a few photos organized, as well as get some meals frozen for the upcoming weeks of chaos:)

Other than that not a whole lot going on.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

California, baby!

In this whirlwind week of packing and laundry I haven't had much time for updates. Not that I have been all that good about getting pictures up here, anyway. We're leaving for southern California on Saturday morning... and (God be with us) we're driving. With an 11-month-old. Since I'm not done with my computer class, I will be taking my studies with me. We'll just see how well I get my homework done;)

Updates when we return!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Coffee and toast

I'm sitting here enjoying my morning cup of coffee with some toast. And thinking.

Dorothy is doing really well, crawling all over and getting into everything. I think she'll be pulling herself up soon. She's still working on cutting 3 teeth at once, so we've had some crabby days lately. And of course she throws fits and cries for mommy more than anything else. I'll take that as a sign that she is healthily attached. She tries to help me sort the dirty laundry, which I find decidedly disgusting, especially when she tries sucking on the dirty socks. Ick. Ack. Foot germs.

I finished my math class with the top grade in the class. I'm still working on my computer class, which at this point I have a 97% in. I just have to keep myself from making stupid online-class fumbles. We have no information on the final exam yet, so I don't even know exactly what I should be studying. Due to the sheer volume of information it's almost impossible to decide what he thinks might be important, especially since there is no lecture to go off of. Good thing it's open-book!

Hehe, I have to go. Within the time it took me to write this, Dorothy pooped her diaper and fell asleep in the middle of the floor with her thumb in her mouth.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Virtual World Tour

The Fabulous Portland, Oregon USA! (and some other cool stuff within driving distance), for Patience's project. Go check it out!

We live in the outskirts of Portland. It's not all that impressive right where we live. Just your average apartment complex:

With your average drive home from wherever you've been:

But we do have the Downtown area. I love the Portland skyline at night (note: I did not take this picture!):

But we also have the beach nearby (a 1 1/2-2 hour drive to one of the closest ones, Cannon Beach), which we've already been to with Dorothy a few times:

As well as many, many gorgeous hiking trails within a 1-2 hour drive, such as trails on the Columbia Gorge, with a plethora of waterfalls:

As well as hiking in the mountains (and skiing if you're not a total clutz like Moi):

Oh! And if you want to go on some breathtaking backpacking trips, simply drive 3-4 hours to Central Oregon. Hiking around the 3 Sisters is the most incredible experience ever!:

There are so many more things that I don't have digital pictures of, such as the zoo. I must say, Oregon is one of the most beautiful and diverse states in the contiguous US. Don't you agree?

Monday, July 09, 2007

Hot mama

We're getting real hot over here on the West coast! It's supposed to get over 100 on Tuesday, which doesn't happen often here. I haven't been on much due to my homework. I have a quiz almost every math class. There are also 3 tests and 1 final. Plus homework on the days that we don't have tests. And it's all crammed in to 6 weeks!

So how many of you know much about financial aid when it comes to school? They offered me $2860 for the year (Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring). That should pay for tuition and most of books. The area I'm sweating about is child care. It's going to cost well over the amount that my classes are going to; around $4700 a year. I got approved for a $3000 student loan, but that still leaves us paying out $140 a month, which is still quite a bit over our budget. I don't know how they calculate how much they'll give you to help with day care, but it seems to me that they should look at the actual cost, not just pull some number out of the sky. I was too late for scholarship applications, so I'm getting on top of that ASAP next year. Debt is a part of going to school, but I'd rather have less debt and more freedom when I get out. I'm really new to all of this, so maybe there's something that I should be doing that I'm not.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy 4th

Hope everyone has a happy 4th of July! We're going to go to a picnic and then to my parents' house. I'm not sure yet whether we'll go to see some fireworks or not. The past week has been awful in our family. My brother's wife has left the state and is living with an ex. I just can't believe that this whole thing is happening. Their girls are 4 1/2 and almost 3. Just so sad.

Monday, June 25, 2007


My math class is going quite well so far. I was nervous to begin with because of covering 12 weeks of information in 6 weeks. Good thing it is Algebra 1, so I should be able to ace it even though it is condensed. We're covering 3 chapters of information and having 3 tests as well as homework and a quiz every day that we don't have a test. The first two days were basic review of fractions and the real number system, which it's pretty sad to say that I needed the review. But alas, I did:) I did my practice test for chapter 0 last night and got all the odd answers right. As long as I practice things, I can usually memorize quickly.

Computer Science 120 is going to be a bit more challenging, I think. David thinks it's funny that I am taking a basic computer science class ON the computer. We went and got a flash drive over the weekend, and I figured out how to set everything up for the entire term all by myself (with the basic instructions for how many folders/sub-folders to make and what to name them. It has taken me a bit of time, but I think I'll do alright. Just need to crack open that textbook and start learning how to do more things. Some of what we'll be learning is terminology, the history of computing, and learning how to use Excel, Power Point, Word, etc. I know Word and Power Point well enough, but don't really know a lot of terminology, so that screwed me up on the placement test. That and the fact that I have never used Excel before.

Friday, June 15, 2007

My angel baby

~Happy second birthday, Kaily.~

Her story is in the June 2006 archives... the 2nd and the 15th.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The adventure begins

It seems almost surreal to be going back to school. I know some people go back when their children are grown, but to go back now just seems so different than the vision I originally had for my life. For our lives.

It's difficult to soak in how much things have changed since we started out on this quest of beginning a family together. There is still a large part of my heart that sinks when I hear that someone is pregnant. And it's not because I am not happy for them; it's just that I'm still trying to let go of the idea of having a handful of kids running around. In one form or another I'm sure we will. Even though I don't know when or if we'll try again, I can't bring myself to get rid of all the baby things that are quickly piling up in our too-small apartment. There are still two bins of maternity clothing in our closet, begging to be used one more time.

Even with those feelings, I believe that I'm making the right decision by going to school. My love for learning has not died in the years since I graduated high school. Competition and drive to get in to the program will be one of the things that get me through the overwhelming times. Now that I know what I'm fighting for, it's easier to fight. I'm going to do everything I can to get ahead without sacrificing too much time with my daughter and husband.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Fun times

Well, sorry for the lack of blogging, but I've been under the weather for the past week. Plus Dorothy had a relapse with her croupiness as soon as she finished her round of antibiotics. She's been having a hard time settling down for the night, and frequently wakes up for the first few hours. I just started on a round of antibiotics for sinusitis, so hopefully I'll be feeling up to par soon. It's much harder being a good mommy when I don't feel good!

Book buying time is at the end of this week. Math class starts next Tuesday night, and my two online classes start on the 25th. Bring it on!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

A Walk in the Park

Dorothy is getting better, so I now have a bit more time to blog.

We had a great day outdoors today, going to a park in the woods with my brother and SIL and their two girls. The weather was sunny and 80's; about as perfect as you can get. Dorothy loved "4-wheeling" on the 1/2 mile hike we went on (she was in the stroller). I can't believe how much she has grown up lately. She has started sitting on her own, waving when we go through any doorway, and trying to clap and say "yay" with mommy.

Though I have to say the clapping ends up being slapping her chubby thighs and the "yay" is more like "aaaahhhh".

She has also taken to giving people five (only on her own terms, mind you) and, at times, scooting backwards.

So, I must say...

Motherhood is fabulous. Even with moments like today when Dorothy drug her big toe through the snot coming out her nostril, then proceeded to suck said toe like it was her beloved thumb.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Poor Little Babe

Dorothy went to the Dr. today. She got some tylenol with codeine for her sore throat/cough, as well as some antibiotic for an ear infection. When she woke up with 102 degree fever this morning, I decided that was it. We had called yesterday after she cried most of the day (in addition to my concerned call on Saturday). Without a Dr. even seeing her they said they wouldn't be able to do anything for her anyway. So we moved on to call # three today; they finally said they could work her in for a quick appointment. Gee. Thanks for the great customer service, and I'm so very glad we're not an annoyance to you. I better go get her now. She's crying in her bed:(

Monday, May 28, 2007


Here I was, all ready to post some recent pictures... and the camera is MIA. I probably left it at a parent's house or some such thing. My profound apologies.

We've had a busy couple of weeks. David and I were both on vacation last week, though the last part of it was spent caring for a sick baby. Dorothy has her worst cold yet. The green snot oozes. The first night I thought she was just having a bad dream or something because she was crying and gagged herself until she threw up in her crib. I gave her a bath and put her back to bed. She did the same thing during her nap on Saturday. From that point on she coughed more and more, getting progressively more barky and congested. She's had a fever off and on. Saturday night I almost took her in to the hospital because of how tight her chest sounded. You could hear that barking noise even when she was only breathing. I was up with her most of the night that night. She has continued to gag herself with the coughing and crying, occasionally to the point of throwing up. Her chest still sounds wheezy at times, but rattles instead of sounding barky. Mom says that is a good sign because it means things are losening up, but I'm still worried. Her cough still sounds unproductive, tight, and painful. I can't get her to take any kind of decongestant because that gags her, too. At least she'll take the ibuprofen for her fever. Any advice on whether to take her to the doctor? I don't like going in only to have them tell us to keep doing what we're doing.

Of course mommy has to catch whatever baby has, right? So I have a cold to welcome me back to work;) I'm only a working woman until the end of June, though, due to lack of a babysitter. I will be starting classes, though around that time, so I'm sure I'll keep plenty busy. I'm starting off with algebra 1 (math 60) since I am such a genius and can't remember anything I learned in high school. I'm doing a condensed calss, so It starts June 19th and ends July 26th. Class meets Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:00-9:30 PM. I'm also taking an online computer science class that will be "meeting" for the entire summer term.

Keep us in mind come the fall. I'm waiting to hear what kind of financial aid package we'll receive. I still have to apply for a childcare grant from the student government, which I can't do until the summer term starts. I put Dorothy on the waiting list at the college child care center. Unfortunately, it is a YMCA. Therefore, it is open not only to the kids of college students, but also to the community.... which means almost a 0% chance of her getting in there because the waiting list is ginormous. I'm wanting to take 3 classes per term, and really, really hoping to keep them all on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I have as few days away from Dorothy as possible.

As for another baby, who knows when/if on that one. We'll most likely wait until I'm done with school. Unless an oops happens that's the idea.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Beach Trip

Thanks to everyone who answered my questions about nursing:)

Last weekend we went to the beach with Dorothy. She rode in the backpack and loved it even though it was cold out. We had a busy week what with David being out of town and all. I am leaving this morning to go on my first weekend trip without Dorothy. I'll update on Sunday or Monday with some of what has been going on with us, plus some more cute pictures of Dorothy.

Friday, May 11, 2007

All you Nurses out there...

After that last post baring my soul and only getting 5 comments, I'm a little self-conscious that I shared too much.

But on to other things. My mind is exploding with all the possibilities for a nursing degree. There must be a billion questions floating around in my head and hopefully there are some nurses who read this who might be able to give me some advice. I know there's at least two of you (nurses) that read occasionally, if not regularly. So, here are my thoughts... as they come to me.

1. I've heard that they may eventually phase out Associate Degrees in Nursing, so if you don't have your bachelor's degree, you might be forced into going back to school to get it in the future. Is this just a rumor, or is there info. to substantiate it?

2. I have been on many websites and seen many different titles for nurses... LPN, LVN, RN, CNA, ASN... the list goes on. What do they all mean? How do I know which degree to go for?

3. I got good grades in my math classes in high school, but I did have to work on it a lot harder than english/lit classes. To get a bachelor's degree it looks like I have to take College Algebra and Statistics. Those are in addition to Algebra 1,2,&3. Algebra 1 & 2 are the classes that don't count toward my prerequisites, they're basically just catch-up since it has been 8 years since I graduated high school. My problem is that I don't retain math unless I use it often. I'm thinking that regardless I should just take a math class every term and do all 5. Is this a smart way to go?

4. In part because of the math issue, I am thinking of blasting right on through and taking summer classes as well. Is it better not to take classes in summer to give myself a break, or would it be better to keep the math fresh in my head and always be taking classes?

5. Is 11-12 credits per term too heavy of a load considering that I have a baby at home? It would average 3 classes per term; with a math, a science and one additional class. If I did summer classes as well, I could get through all of my prerequisites in a year and a half. If I only did two classes per term, it would be closer to a bit over 2 years, even up to 3 years if I didn't take classes in the summer.

6. How long of a wait is there to get into the average nursing program? With good grades, applying in the spring, would I be likely to get into a program the fall of the same year?

7. Should I scrap the idea of even considering another baby while I'm in school and just wait until after I have landed a job?

8. Are there specialized studies if you want to go into a certain area of nursing. For example, if I want to work in a Perinatologist's office, would a general nursing degree get me into pretty much any setting I want to work in?

I'm sure there's more, but I'll leave it at that for now. Feel free to email ( the answers if they're too long for the comment section:)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Maybe I do just need to write

An old classmate from my grade school just got in touch with me on myspace. It is always nice to hear from people, and he's doing well... living in the midwest married with 4 kids. Oddly enough, when he said I looked the same as always, it evoked in me a feeling of panic. How we've all grown up and changed since then, and how I do NOT want to be that little girl that I was.

But there's a part of me that will always be back in grade school.

You see, it's definitely got me thinking. I really really hated my school. I loved learning and got good grades, in fact the areas I excelled in literally kept me alive when I had no desire to go on. There were a group of us that were actually sent up to the next class for all the major classes; such as math, reading, science, etc. My school was small. And I mean SMALL. 100 kids from kindergarten through eighth grade. Our grade had 14 boys and 6 girls, a few of whom were good friends, a few of whom decided when to be my friend and when to backstab. I got used to being picked on. I hated grade school, and even more hated myself.

The worse things got at school, the harder I worked at my academics, music, and art. Every day when I got on the bus a group of guys would mock me and smash their noses, telling me how flat my face was. And if I was in a fight with a particular friend, she knew right where to get me. One time when she was trying to impress the guys, she smashed her face against the seat and said, "look, I'm Becci!" I was constantly being told it looked like my face had been run into by a semi truck. A girl that was quite a bit older than me would make fun of my clothes (we had no money for nice clothes). One time in particular I had gotten a pair of purple pants for Christmas. I loved them, and hardly ever having new things, I was so happy to have these pretty new purple pants. This girl mocked me loudly, saying it just looked like someone had picked their nose and wiped it on my pants. On many occasions, I didn't want to go to school, sometimes didn't even want to get up in the morning.

I was tired of sitting in class just waiting for that moment, the moment when someone would secretly do something mean; like make a pig out of modeling clay and pass it around the room whispering that it was me. When I would cry or say something out loud, I would be the one getting in trouble instead of the people who made life miserable for me.

It got so bad that a couple of the guys making fun of me all those years crossed the line from poking fun to sexual harassment. I told, they got suspended, and I went to school with them until the end of the school year. People would avoid me on the stairs saying that if they touched me I would report them. I became invisible. Sometimes I still feel the sting of those days. It got even worse, so after that year I was pulled out of that school district and put in the other one nearest us.

But I carried these things with me. And they caused a lot of problems. When I went to my new school, it felt so nice to be liked (at least by some people) that I did a lot of things that ended up messing up my life. I would drink or smoke to impress. I would cut myself to numb the pain I couldn't escape from. Not that I would change my life. A lot of who I am now stems from the things I have been through. But the constant feelings of ugliness caused me to tend toward an eating disorder for several years, something I overcame with God's help shortly before meeting my husband. Years of struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide have also melted away with the Lord's gentle healing.

But there is still that part of me that wants to try to please everyone, even though I know I can't. That part of me that caves with the slightest bit of opposition... I call it the spineless me. The part of me that says I'm too dumb to go to nursing school even though I know I'm smart. The part of me that wonders if everyone sees me the way those people used to see me... as ugly and useless. The part of me that makes it hard to believe my husband when he says I'm gorgeous.

And the part of me that hates me.

Words can be strong, so use them well. If only kids could understand the power they have in how they treat their peers. And now that I have a daughter, how can I protect her from those things? How can I make her life better? Or can I? Maybe, just maybe, mothering is more about being there through the crap than it is about preventing it. Because Lord knows I can't be everywhere all the time. Sometimes I just have to give up and say there's nothing more to do. Just trust that the lessons we learn are valuable, even if we have to learn them through isolation, persecution, loss, bad choices, or whatever else life throws our way.

And slowly I have begun to see possibility rather than dread. I'm seeing that I AM somebody, that I have worthwhile things to say. That I matter to a lot of people, and that I could be a damn good nurse if I really want to. That I can love God and still have flaws, and He won't kick me to the curb if I screw up. The thing that has kept me from going to college is fear mainly. Fear that I'll mess it all up once I put it into practice.

But I'm tired of being held by fear. I'm not going to let it hold me any more, even if I have to fight it.

Here's to possibility.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Eight whole months!

Can it be that Dorothy has been outside of my womb for eight months? It seems slightly unreal to me that it has been that long. Time has really flown by for me, and though I try to treasure the time I have with her, it seems to slip away so fast while I'm trying to keep up. I totally lost track of time and didn't even write anything for her seven month birthday. Four more months and she will be a year old, around the same time we are considering trying for another baby. I still don't know if I'll be ready then, but it's still a possibility.

Dressing her up is still one of my favorite things to do, and thanks to so many of you generous bloggers out there (you know who you are) Dorothy has a ton of the cutest clothes ever! So many clothes that I don't have to buy anything until the 18-24 month size.

Dorothy really seems to be a Daddy's girl. Especially when he goes out of town for work. She just lights up when he walks in the room. Daddy means play time!

All that tummy time still hasn't helped her learn how to crawl...

But there's nothing sweeter than taking a nap in the middle of the living room wearing nothing but a diaper...


I've been pondering something for a while now. In high school I was a good student. In my senior year I slacked off too much (and also took 2 more classes than a full schedule) so my GPA was only 3.74 when I graduated. To this day I still love to learn, but I never decided to go to college. But lately I have been having that itch. And more for a particular reason. You see, I want to help women that have been where I have been, and the best way to do that would be to go to school and become a nurse. I have filled out the FAFSA and I'm looking at going to Warner Pacific if they have evening classes for a pre-nursing program. I'll find out more as the weeks go on, but I feel like this is really something I can do.

Here's to a dream.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Bad Blogger

We've been kinda busy the past couple of weeks. I find that now with the part time job, it's harder to keep up blogging. Dorothy and the house take priority. And so does....


Yep, we found a Dodge Grand Caravan. It's a 2002, so not super new, but its' in great condition! I'm loving it, and Dorothy's new car seat that is much easier to get her in and out of; especially since she's right at arm level instead of down on the ground like in the Celica.

I finally went to a physical therapist for my intense back pain that I've been having since Dorothy was born. I KNOW. I'm so bad for waiting on it and I should have had my back looked at sooner cause now it's going to take for. ever. to. get. better. But really. I had two doctors (several months apart) tell me to take ibuprofen. Yeah, as if it even eases the pain whatsoever. Sneezing has been bringing me to my knees for months. Sitting in one place is torture. It's about time I did something about it.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yee Haw!

The car sold to the first person who looked at it for the asking price!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

wish us luck!

We have two people coming to look at the Toyota today, and both of them sound really interested. One of them would even be willing to pay for it today if she decides on this car. Hopefully we'll sell it by the end of today. If not, at least we know people are looking, right?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

For Sale

Our Celica is now up for sale on Craigslist. No calls yet, but I'm hoping it sells quickly. As soon as it sells we can go van shopping!

I've tried to get some good pictures of it, but we've had so many rainy days lately that these were the best I could get:

But here are some more cute pictures of Dorothy....

Say what?

Yeah, I know I'm cute...

Gah! Ma, do you have to?