Sunday, January 27, 2008

It's Over. Again.

I haven't been to the Dr., but my temperature was down to the coverline today, and the spotting has begun. Most of my questions are spiritual. I have never felt so alone.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Please don't take my baby...

I've spent the day crying. And studying for my math test. And crying some more. And showing up for math class trying to look like I hadn't been crying all day. They didn't say that the pregnancy was doomed, but I don't see how a rise of less than 1/3 when it should be doubling is anything to be hopeful about. And I really just don't know how to feel other than hopeless and angry. I pounded the steering wheel and yelled at God tonight... because I could. "DO you even care about me at all?? Well, do you?!!" I know, so mature, so full of faith. But I don't have anything else in me.

*I just feel so alone, and ready to give up on the idea of having more children. But my heart breaks at the thought of not feeling that life inside me again. I just can't bear the thought. But I also can't bear the thought of trying again. Please tell me there is hope; tell me there is a way to work the kaiser system to get the testing and help to carry a baby to term. Because if I don't have someone that will be proactive and not twiddle their thumbs and brush off my babies as statistics, then I can't do this again. I just can't. Tell me there is hope.*


I got my HCG results back and it only went up by 10. I don't know what the plan is, whether they are going to take another draw or just wait and see what happens. But with Dorothy my numbers more than doubled every two days. This is not good news....

I can tell you one thing. If this baby dies, too... I am SO DONE TRYING.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

School and such...

I am enjoying math again. Much more than I thought I would, really. It's making me wonder if I should go for a teaching degree instead! I'm only 1 point short of being at 100% so far, and we're halfway done with the class already. My online writing class is going well, too, although we haven't actually turned in our first paper yet.

In other areas I am hanging in there, mostly working on trying to be HOPEFUL and less of a PESSIMIST. I'm probably going to get myself in trouble here (I'm not supposed to be telling anybody yet) but I got a positive test the other day. Talk about shock! They took my first beta HCG on Monday and it was only 37, so that means either it was shortly after implantation (most likely) or it is going to be another early miscarriage. I am holding out hope that it is just early and the numbers will double like they're supposed to. I have a second blood draw this afternoon at 4:00, and I should have the results of that one by tomorrow morning. Next Thursday they'll have me come in for an ultrasound, though I doubt they would find much besides a sac by that point. Please pray and hope for us!!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


Somehow life keeps moving forward, even when a heart stands still. It has only been 18 days since we lost our second baby, but in a way it feels like it never happened. Somehow this time I don't feel like I have the right to grieve, to talk about our baby. Maybe it's because it was early this time. We only knew for a week, yet that baby was in my thoughts and prayers for months. No, since I was a child. I have such a hard time letting go of my dream of having a house full of children. Little glimpses of David; shadows of myself.

We've been trying now for just over 5 months, yet each day seems slower than the last as I wait... for something that may or may not be. Yet the pain is dulled by Dorothy's smiles. After we lost Kaily I was not myself. The 6 1/2 months that we tried for Dorothy was the darkest valley of my life... and I have had some dark ones. Now I have a child, yet my heart still aches for another one. There is a part of me that is empty and crying out for those newborn days... and the life that follows them. And I wonder why.

Somehow at the end of the day, I have made it through yet again.

Somehow I can still laugh and love.

Somehow our family will grow.

Somehow I will learn to let go... but the letting go is the hardest part. When I started bleeding, I prayed and begged God to spare me the pain; that He would not allow me to say goodbye to another baby too soon. Still here I sit. At times I don't know what to make of it.

Monday, January 07, 2008


That's pretty much what I'm doing right now. I'm too busy to really process losing the baby, which is good in some ways, but it will come back to bite me soon, I'm sure... like when AF comes. I'm just feeling hopeless about being able to carry another baby.

In the meantime, I am starting classes today. Writing 121 online and Math 65 (algebra 2) Tues/Thurs nights for 5 weeks. I might take Math 95 the second half of the term on the same nights if it works out to find a babysitter for Dorothy when David is out of town.