My Angel

(Photo Credit)

As I was reading through some old writing of mine, I ran across a piece that I wanted to share. It's about an encounter I had when I was driving home from my job as a preschool aide when I was 20. I hope it blesses you as it did me.

~My Angel~
My angel, I discovered, was not so obvious as one might assume. No wings. No grand, singing entrances. No trumpets or loud announcements. A simple woman. Any other person on the street; but to me... so much more. She turned to me slowly at first, as she appeared to be headed somewhere, with an armful of books and a determined look on her face as she crossed the street. In one hand she held a small bunch of pink flowers. I smiled at her when she looked my way, not so much out of gladness to see her, but as a routine gesture of kindness. Suddenly, her face lit up like I had given her the most valuable gift. She walked swiftly toward my car as I rolled down the window, quite puzzled at what she might want. Then, she reached down and pulled out a single flower and placed it in my outstretched hand. Not a word was spoken on her part. She just handed me the flower and walked away as quickly as she had come. And I was left with the reminder that God does not forget the little things that bring us joy, and every once in a while when we have days where nothing seems to make sense, he sends an angel... which may be nothing more than a stranger with a friendly smile and a little bunch of pink flowers.

~Becci, 2000~

Simplifying Life

I am learning more about myself being a wife and a mother of three. So many times in my life, I have said "yes," even though on the inside I wanted to say "no." I am by nature a pleaser. I want people to feel comfortable and happy, so sometimes I have a hard time saying "no" when I need to. Which (only sort of) worked for me when I was single. It doesn't work well for me now. There is so much to keep me busy at home with my family that I could feel stretched thin just taking care of things here. In fact, some days I do!

The truth is, I have been longing for a simpler life lately. Stick me in the middle of the country with a little homestead where I can entertain friends and family in my home on a regular basis, and I'd be a happy girl. So, realizing how tired I've been feeling, it's no wonder when I look at my life that I need to make some changes. Here's where it gets difficult.

You see, I love the Lord. I love people. But I don't enjoy packing the kids around. My typical week is full of getting in and out of the car numerous times. Now that Dorothy is in school, I am getting the little ones in and out of the car 4 times a day. It's a fight, and physically tiring, being that William is no small baby at 27 pounds ;-). Tuesday morning is in and out of the car again for Bible study. Tuesday evening is in and out of the car again for small group. I've really enjoyed getting to know people in group, but it's meltdown city when we get home with the kids and put them down an hour and a half past their bed time. Wednesday evening Dorothy has kids' club at church and we have parenting class. By the time we get the kids home, it's already 2 hours past bed time. Dorothy doesn't cope well with 2 late nights and getting up for school. Every other Wednesday morning I volunteer for gleaner's as well as shopping every Wednesday afternoon. Throw in well-child exams, random Dr. Appointments, WIC appointments, and life gets crazy fast. Even without any "me" time.

I'm tired and something needs to give. Not to mention the fact that William still doesn't sleep through the night. And my kids (who get frequent colds from all the places we go) refuse to give in and sleep when they get sniffles. Every cold turns into many sleepless nights in a row for mommy, such that I dread the next cycle of colds.

You see, most of the things we're doing are good things. I know we need to cut back, but I don't know what I need to cut. I long for simplicity. To just be at home and keep things running. To learn to love God as a family. To keep a welcoming home to whoever might come to visit with their kids. To live without all the to and fro.

So, friends and readers, I have some questions.
What are your challenges? How have you simplified your own life? Do you even feel like you need to simplify? How do you balance fellowship with other believers and home life?

So, that's where I'm at right now. Praying for some wisdom. And God will give it if I listen. The new year is always a good time to sit down and think about what changes we can make in our lives. And that's what I'm wanting to do.

Preparing for July 3rd

July 3rd is the day I set an appointment at Akemi Salon to get my hair put in dreadlocks. I suppose I could do it on my own, but I prefer neat and manicured locks, which is much more quickly achieved when you have someone do them for you. The great thing about this salon is that they don't use any product in the hair, so it's completely natural. I'm all for that!

I do realize that getting dreadlocks may not be the most popular decision, so I'd like to talk about a few reasons that I have chosen to get them.

First of all, I really embrace who I am as God has made me... with my likes, dislikes, talents, and quirks. As different as dreadlocks might be, I think they will really fit my personality. I've been drawn to them for a long time now and keep coming back to them. When I was in the hospital during my pregnancy with William, I constructed a Dream Board with pictures and words of all the things I wanted to do and be, as well as places I wanted to go. As silly as it sounds, getting dreadlocks was one of the things on that board. My goal is to fulfill as many of those things as I can, and I feel like this will be an important step for me as a person.

Secondly, they will symbolize my walk with Christ. Being a busy wife and mother can be difficult, and faith can fall out of view so easily. Many people who get dreads see them as a picture of their spiritual journey. In keeping with that, I will incorporate a few things I've discovered as I've read about them.
*They will remind me that I am imperfect, but still beautiful in the eyes of God. The first few months of dreadlocks will be challenging as they form. There will be some loose hairs and some bad days, just as I have bad days in my walk with God, but that there is always beauty in spite of the imperfections.
*They will remind me that Christ encountered opposition and hardship, just as I will in this life. People might judge me incorrectly, but God knows my heart. And surely many men judged Jesus incorrectly when He walked this earth. If they hadn't, He would not have been crucified. But how thankful I am that He was... because His resurrection gives me hope and a future.
*They will remind me to pray for others. I love one idea I read about a while back. Putting beads on some dreadlocks can be a reminder to pray for certain people. My first bead will be for my grandma. She's my last living grandparent who is battling with the progression of dementia. It's so difficult for her and my mom. They both need peace. I will also be adding beads for my children so that I remember to pray for them daily.

The third reason would be their simplicity. As I aim to simplify my life, dreadlocks just fit. Although they can take a bit of maintenance as they lock up, in the long run, I'll have to spend very little time on my hair. The care will consist of:
* Washing with residue-free shampoo and towel/air drying them. Contrary to what many people think, you can (and should) wash dreads on a regular basis. Clean hair actually locks up better.
*Using some essential oil as needed (peppermint or tea tree).
*Occasional palm-rolling to keep things under control.
That's it! No more frequent haircuts (mine grows fast), highlights, hair dryers, flat-irons, sprays, conditioners, gels, or pomades.

Last but not least, I think they are pretty :). I love how colorful, unique, and expressive they are. I can't wait to have fun with them as they grow and mature (like I hope to do along with them).

(photo credit)

(photo credit)

You can also see some photos of a couple gorgeous dready mamas here and here. This should be another interesting journey. Thanks for joining me!

Rewind please....

If there was a rewind button on life, I'd like to hit it about now. And go back to change everything. On the 23rd we found out that my friend Cheri lost her battle with cancer and went home to be with the Lord. She lived her life with such grace, and lived her last days still putting God and others before herself. She has a grace that I do not have. Sitting in her service today was hard, not because of her being gone. As hard as it is to say goodbye, harder still is looking at my own life. My faith has been shaken. Really since we lost Kaily it hasn't been the same.

I wish I could say I trust Him no matter what comes, but when it comes to bearing children, I cannot. It is too painful and too deep a desire; so much a part of me that it's almost me myself. To separate the desire to bear children and to love and nurture them would be to deny who I am at my core. Yet this is what He requires of me? It is too hard to swallow. I don't have the strength to do it. So I am at a stand-still. I want to love Him no matter what, to live my life as Cheri did (and as Job) and say, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!" I want to be that person who can say the Lord is good regardless of what circumstances come. And I know the Lord suffered as well...

But when that taking away is a child ripped from the womb, the truth becomes a sword. How can we run to God for comfort when He is the only one that has control over whether a soul lives or dies? How can I pray to Him when I fear Him? Can I say "blessed be the name of the Lord" when I'm sick as a dog and miscarrying; when my friend has dies of cancer; when everyone in the house is puking while I'm still trying to recover and I am having a mental breakdown because I cannot handle one more thing; when I miss Christmas celebrations altogether because I'm too sick to be coherent? Evidently I can't say it. As much as I want to be, I am not that person. I just don't know how to be.

Maybe the pain is too fresh. Maybe tomorrow will bring with it fresh hope.

But month after month of not being pregnant followed by the dread of assuming that positive pregnancy test equals dead baby? My hope is wavering somewhere in the distance. I only wish I could hold it in my hand again.