June is bringing lots of thoughts to me, lots of memories, and some new hopes. Last year, on the 15th of June, we lost our first child. I was going to wait to tell her story, but feel the need to tell it now, so I'm going to. You can read on if you wish (there will be some details you may not like).
~Kaily Beth~
I suppose my pregnancy started the same as most first-time (planned) pregnancies. I was excited when I saw that second line! Of course, I knew there was always the possibility of miscarriage for one reason or another, and I did think about it, but not too much. Mostly I was hopeful. We were going to have a baby! There was the normal talk of what life was going to be like, what we were going to change, what labor would be like, and so on. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to be a mommy, and it was finally happening.
The first trimester was challenging as I battled the morning sickness and fatigue. Even into the second trimester I struggled with it, but I kept telling myself that I would forget it all the moment I saw our baby. It was all going to be worth whatever I had to go through. I would do anything for this baby.
Just days before I hit four months I began to have an increase in discharge, so much that I had to wear a pad. It seemed odd to me that so much liquid could be coming out of me, and I was constantly nagged in the back of my mind that it was amniotic fluid. When I called the OB advice line they said it was totally normal as long as there was no blood. I still wonder if I had gone in when I first noticed that something was different, would they have been able to do a rescue cerclage? In reality probably not. If the bag was even torn a little it risks infection, sometimes fatal in the mother.
The morning of June 15 I got up and was reassured that what I was experiencing was normal. There was still no blood, contractions, or pain of any kind. I went to spend the day with my friend and her family. They prayed at lunch thanking God for the life that was growing in me and asking Him to protect it. We spent a good part of the afternoon relaxing by the pool during one of the first warm days of the season before I headed home. Before arriving at home, I made a quick stop at my parents' house to grab something. Their next door neighbor yelled out to me, "hi, there, mommy!" I was glowing inside as I walked to my car in my brand new maternity outfit. Little did I know what was going to take place not even 10 minutes later.
When I got home I went to the bathroom as I had been feeling a bit constipated, but when I pushed I realized that the pressure was coming from the wrong place. I tried to stop it from happening, but no matter what I did the feeling grew stronger. I knew it was over at that point as I felt the sensation of a giant bubble coming out of me. Not knowing if it was the baby's head or the amniotic sac, and not wanting to give birth on a toilet of all places, I pushed it up as well as I could. Shaking and alone, and not knowing what to do, I tried to call David first. Thankfully he walked in the door before I even got finished dialing his number. We called the hospital and they said to come right in, but that I was most likely going to lose the baby.
We got in the car, the sac still bulging like a bubble as I sat on it trying not to break it. I was hoping and praying that our baby would somehow still be alive, that there would be something they could do to fix everything. One thing I will never understand is the ER sign in system. When I arrived there I had to walk up there on my own and stand in a line of people who could have anything from the sniffles to an emergency and wait my turn. I was too in shock at this point to yell out that I needed to be seen right away, so I stood there, my baby trying to come out of me, shaking like a leaf, waiting for 3 people ahead of me to finish checking in.
They were kind enough when I finally got up there (seeing as I was hysterical) to put me in a chair away from everyone and get me checked in and into a room, the whole time trying to assure me that we didn't know for sure that I was going to lose the baby. I knew. She was gone. As we waited in the room it seemed like an eternity until an actual doctor came to see us, but when he finally did he said (after a painful exam where he pushed everything back up) he was sorry, but there was nothing they could do to save the baby. She was already stuck halfway out of my cervix and the best option at that point since I was not in labor and not bleeding was to do a D&C (a surgery to remove the baby and everything else) as there would be less potential problems for me such as hemorrhaging or infection.
We agreed to what they thought was best and I was wheeled to the OR for the procedure (hours after we got to the hospital). I was met by a very gentle woman who said she would be doing my surgery. At that time I was so thankful that the nightmare was going to be over, but my only regret to this day is that I did not ask to see or hold the baby. Maybe they thought she was so small we wouldn't want to see her, but they never asked us if we wanted to, and never asked what we wanted done with her remains. She was treated like medical waste. Evidently, they don't legally have to do anything other than what they did until the baby reaches a certain weight. I still catch myself wondering what she would have looked like, what it would have been like to kiss her little head and say my goodbyes to her, then to give her a place to rest....
The operation went well and I was admitted for the night to recover, but begged to go home and sleep when it was after midnight. I felt so sick and so restless from the anesthesia that I could not bear to be there recovering in the maternity ward. I just wanted my baby back, wanted to be anywhere else in the world. They let me go home, but by the next day I developed a fever and was feeling horrible, so I went back to the dr. to get antibiotics for a uterine infection. At my follow-up appointment we were told that there had been an infection in the sac. One of the drs. (the first one to see me) thought it might be an incompetent cervix. Our follow-up dr. (the one who did my surgery) said she didn't know what it was, so she referred us to our perinatologist. He explained that he didn't think it was likely to be anything other than incompetent cervix because all the classic signs were there. The next pregnancy I would be getting a cerclage at 13 weeks.
We found out she was a girl and decided to use the name Kaily (to rejoice) Beth (house of God). Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and the person she would have been. So many questions in my mind as to why, but here we are. We are all given a road to walk down and this is ours. My only prayer right now (and I know it's a selfish one) is that we get to enjoy all the things with our little Dorothy (gift of God) Grace that we never got to enjoy with Kaily. I want nothing more right now than to kiss those little baby feet, to feel her against my chest, to sing to her, to comfort her when she is sick and to watch her grow. Is this too much to ask? Sometimes I think so....
Artist: Kenny Chesney
Album: The Road And The Radio
Title: Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Today, today, today
Today, today, today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
35 comments:
Becci,
I am so sadden by your story of Kaily's loss. But heartened by the fact that Dorothy is doing well.
I know that there is nothing I can say to make your first loss better. Just know that I am here for you even though I don't always post a comment.
What is your theme for the nursery? I will make you a blankie if you would like me to. Just say the word dear. Oh and I put up a post today on my blog. Thanks for the kick in the pants. ;) You can be the blog police now for me, ok?
Thank you so much for sharing.
I pray for you and Dorothy all the time.
Your story is heartbreaking. I'm glad they found the problem, though, so that they can prevent the same thing from happening this time. I'm praying for you and Dorothy.
Oh, Becci, I am so sorry about the loss of Kaily Beth. The loss would be incredibly sad no matter how it happened, but the way it happened sounds so traumatic. I'm just so very sorry that you had to experience that.
I am praying for you for comfort and that you will be able to do everything that you want to do as a mother to Dorothy Grace.
Becci - I can almost imagine the pain... and I do know what it is like to bask in the glow of adoration people give pregnant women only to have the most unreal kind of fear thrust upon you in a moment, one quick little moment that changes everything forever... and for us who end up on bed rest with what seems like hours upon hours for reflection on life and our situation and having enough time to dwell and also having to force ourselves to get out of moments of despair... but honey, keep your thoughts on Dorothy, she will guide you through it. and you have a good group of people out here that are here for the dark moments as well as the light one... I celebrate the joy of this pregnancy with you and commiserate on the deep sorrow for your pregancy with Kaily.
I am so sorry about your loss of Kaily Beth (beautiful name too). Thanks for sharing your story.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you and Dorothy.
Becci. You are so brave. As someone who has gone through a similar experience and hasn't been brave enough to write about it, thank you for sharing. It is important to grieve and acknowledge your pain. Just as important as it is to hold on to your hope for the future. Our little family thinks about you every day. We send you our love. Hang in there.
Becci - I cannot even imagine the pain and fear you must have went through. Just reading the story of little Kaily made me feel so scared and horrible inside. You are such a strong woman and I know you say that you dont really see yourself that way but it is true. You have been through so much and you continue to be strong and even find the time to laugh. You are inspiring to many people and I am so happy to have met you online. I pray for you and Dorothy all the time and I know you will kiss those tiny feet and feel her cheek against yours.. and NO it is not too much to ask to hold your baby and watch her grow.. ((((hugs))))
Becci-
I'm in awe of your strength. I sometimes wonder why we have to go through sad things like your experience with Kaily Beth. It just hurts my head to understand why things like that happen since it just defies reason. Your strength of going through the amount of bed rest you are is also very inspiring. You are a great mother! Someday you will be able to show Dorothy the story of Kaily and of your bedrest. She'll be amazed at what you went through to keep her cooking and she'll know that she has a beautiful guardian angel in heaven named Kaily.
Hugs!!!!
thank you for sharing that story, am thinking of you and Dorothy.
I am sorry for your loss. Your pain is very real to me also and I admire you for being able to write about the pain you feel. I am sending ALL my LOVE and support your way! (((((HUGS)))))
Thank you so much for telling us about Kaily Beth. Rest assured that she is in some great company up there and is looking after you and Dorothy...... I could relate to so much of that post that it just breaks my heart to think that anyone else ever has to go through this kind of loss.
Hugs
I'm sorry about the loss you went through. Your story felt familiar. Just take care of yourself this month
How sad to lose little Kaily. Thanks for sharing your story. We think of you often, with prayer and love.
Lori
I am so sorry for your loss! I wish we could go back in time sometimes and change things from happening the way they do! I will keep praying for you and Dorothy! I can't wait until she gets here and we can see some pictures of her! We can celebrate in honor of Kaily Beth and for sweet Dorothy! I am sure that Kaily is looking down from heaven on her mommy, daddy, and little sister :)
I too have experienced a loss, it was very hard watching 2 of my triplets grow in the sono's and the third "go to sleep" as the dr liked to call it. I often wonder if the other 2 would have made it if the 3rd wouldnt have passed due to their very low birth weight. My sister also lost a baby around the same time you did, she also had a DNC done and she now has 2 beautiful girls and she thinks about the one she lost which she calls Hannah Grace, but she does realize that her 2 beautiful girls would not be here if it werent for that loss they suffered just before that. Hard times are often followed by miracles! I pray that everything will go well with Dorothy and that she will ease the pain in some way when you look in her face, and in some small way looking in her eyes will be like looking in Kaily's.
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. Take care and sending you a big hug.
A little tear and a bright light shines in my heart for your little Kailey Beth. When we get to Heaven she will know you, and we will all get to meet her...
My heart still gets heavy thinking about that day that life changed.
I am so happy that Doroty Grace is on the way.
Love, Mom
Oops, I mean Dorothy.
What a heartbreaking thing to have happen. Things are very different here, where your baby's picture would have been taken and you would have been given the option of seeing her and having a service.
But I am glad to hear things are going much better with Dorothy.
I'm crying and praying with you.
Becci,
Im so so sorry you had to go through that, its such a sad story. I read it on LAM too, your are such a strong lady and I have every faith that you will be able to kiss you baby's gorgeous little feet and feel her on your chest, shes hold on tight in there sweetie x I will be thinking on you on the 15th June xx xx xx
Julie (Julezboo)
Becci,
I'm so sorry for your loss; I cannot imagine the heartache you have suffered. I am so glad this pregnancy, although difficult (believe me, I know!), is so much more positive. Dorothy will be eternally grateful for the sacrfices you're making to ensure she is safe and healthy. You're are going to be an amazing mother.
I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your daughter. Words are inadequate here. I am just so sorry for the loss you suffered and I am glad that Dorothy is doing so well.
Hi there. I am Tonya's cousin and today I decided to visit some of her favorite blogs and came across yours.
Your story of your loss touched me and brought tears to my eyes. I know that you have heard all the sympathies and words,and I also know that no one can take away your pain,but be reassured that your precious daughter is now somewhere she was needed more. She is now your gaurdian angel watching and protecting you from above.
I wrote a poem for a friend who lost a child,I will post it on my blog,please feel free to visit.
Take care and best wishes.
Thank you for sharing Kaily's story. I'm so, so sorry she's not with you today.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
I love that song. You must have so much strength,,,
Thanks for sharing Kaily's story.
I wish you had been able to see her. It's hard to have be left wondering.
I hope the weekend was uneventful pregnancy wise. If you feel like it can you update me on what you have to do for the remaining weeks of your pregnancy? How often do you have appointments? Will they always check your cervix? If you're down to your stitch, can you dilate any more?
Sorry- if you don't feel like writing it all out don't feel obligated. I was just curious.
Sarah,
I don't mind at all....
I have weekly appointments through 37 weeks when stitch removal is supposed to take place. Each time they measure the length of my cervix and check for funneling. I also get progesterone shots in the butt (don't like those so much) to help prevent preterm labor. I will be on strict bedrest until 32 weeks at which time it MAY become modified bedrest. Th concern with the stitch is not whether it will hold, the stitch itself is strong. With finneling to the stitch the hope is that I would not dilate beyond it, and so far so good, but if I were to have hard, sustained contractions that they couldn't stop, my tissue could tear right through the stitch. My cervix is and has been very soft since before the cerclage was placed. SO we are just hoping for the best. Cerclage works for most IC patients. I'm obviously hoping to be one of the success stories.
Becci, I just read this again, along with all the wonderful things that others have written to you and David.
I have to tell everyone out there that wrote these things that knowing my daughter as I do, I know how comforting these words are to her. You all have put an invaluable amount of healing into the soul. Thanks. Love, Mom
(((Hugs))) Becci, thanks for sharing your story. Reading your words very much reminded me of my own experience.
It brings me much comfort, and even hope, to keep up with your story, as I feel you are several miles down the very same road I am on...and for that I sincerely thank you!
Hugs, again.
I am at work crying and feeling so selfish. I found your blog a couple of weeks ago after reading your comments posted on a friends blog, preemiehood. I now found myself spending work time to follow your story too. I pray that your Dorothy makes it to term and is a happy, healthy baby. I am the mother of two boys who were both full term and healthy. Jaden is two years old and Chandler is 2 1/2 months. They are the loves of my life!! The reason I said that I feel selfish is that sometimes I found myself complaining because my newborn is a little colicky and keeps my up at night which makes me a little delirious and very forgetful. After reading your and my friends blogs, I realize how lucky I am to have had to opportunity to have a crying baby keep me up all night. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story. It has made my love for my boys even stronger..if that is possible. And made me realize how blessed I am. I pray that you can bring that beautiful baby girl home one day so she can keep you up at night too. =)
Thank you for sharing Kaily's story. I am sorry they didn't give you the chance to see your little girl. ((((((many hugs)))))) to you and kisses to sweet Kaily in heaven!
Hi there. I stumbled upon your blog from another, and read what you have been experiencing. Thank you for sharing the story of your miscarriage. I suffered a miscarriage, too, and I know how trimatic it is. I went into a deep depression and had all those questions of "why?" I know now that God had a plan for me, and He has one for you too. I just know Dorothy is going to make it into this world and be a beautiful addition to your family. I will pray for you and for the healthy arrival of your little bundle of joy. You will never be the same. God bless!
*hugs*
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