My Dreads!

On March 3rd, I took the plunge and got my dreads done at Akemi Salon by the lovely Stephanie, AKA the Dread Goddess. She uses a Thai style dreadlock technique in which she backcombs each section (teases it with a comb) and then crochets it. It is truly an art form and I have loved them from day 1! They have been low-maintenance from the beginning, which is so much better than when I made them on my own a couple of years back. As a part of the original price, she tightened them up a few times within the first 6 weeks. Since my hair is short, I chose to put rubber bands on the ends until it locks up nice and tight, which has pretty much happened now :). Yay!

Here I am on day 1 of dreads:

This is at 1 week after getting them tightened up the first time:

 This is at 2.5 weeks with a wrap that my sister-in-law got me:

 Here I am a few days ago at about 3 months in. Most of them are locked quite nicely!

 
I got myself the right size of crochet hook... teeny tiny... and have been watching youtube videos on maintenance so that I can do so on my own. I have since tightened up all of my roots and it's working really well. In my youtube searches, I ran across a good number of videos on how to make permanent dreadlock extensions out of real hair and am excited to try it. The hair itself costs very little and I'll make them gradually as I have spare moments. This way I can have longer locks that I can pull back more easily and style creatively.

In all, it's been a great process and I get compliments from strangers almost every time I go out to run errands. I was fully prepared for a lot of negative feedback, so I've been pleasantly surprised at that! I'll be sure to post periodic updates as they mature.

Simplifying Life

I am learning more about myself being a wife and a mother of three. So many times in my life, I have said "yes," even though on the inside I wanted to say "no." I am by nature a pleaser. I want people to feel comfortable and happy, so sometimes I have a hard time saying "no" when I need to. Which (only sort of) worked for me when I was single. It doesn't work well for me now. There is so much to keep me busy at home with my family that I could feel stretched thin just taking care of things here. In fact, some days I do!

The truth is, I have been longing for a simpler life lately. Stick me in the middle of the country with a little homestead where I can entertain friends and family in my home on a regular basis, and I'd be a happy girl. So, realizing how tired I've been feeling, it's no wonder when I look at my life that I need to make some changes. Here's where it gets difficult.

You see, I love the Lord. I love people. But I don't enjoy packing the kids around. My typical week is full of getting in and out of the car numerous times. Now that Dorothy is in school, I am getting the little ones in and out of the car 4 times a day. It's a fight, and physically tiring, being that William is no small baby at 27 pounds ;-). Tuesday morning is in and out of the car again for Bible study. Tuesday evening is in and out of the car again for small group. I've really enjoyed getting to know people in group, but it's meltdown city when we get home with the kids and put them down an hour and a half past their bed time. Wednesday evening Dorothy has kids' club at church and we have parenting class. By the time we get the kids home, it's already 2 hours past bed time. Dorothy doesn't cope well with 2 late nights and getting up for school. Every other Wednesday morning I volunteer for gleaner's as well as shopping every Wednesday afternoon. Throw in well-child exams, random Dr. Appointments, WIC appointments, and life gets crazy fast. Even without any "me" time.

I'm tired and something needs to give. Not to mention the fact that William still doesn't sleep through the night. And my kids (who get frequent colds from all the places we go) refuse to give in and sleep when they get sniffles. Every cold turns into many sleepless nights in a row for mommy, such that I dread the next cycle of colds.

You see, most of the things we're doing are good things. I know we need to cut back, but I don't know what I need to cut. I long for simplicity. To just be at home and keep things running. To learn to love God as a family. To keep a welcoming home to whoever might come to visit with their kids. To live without all the to and fro.

So, friends and readers, I have some questions.
What are your challenges? How have you simplified your own life? Do you even feel like you need to simplify? How do you balance fellowship with other believers and home life?

So, that's where I'm at right now. Praying for some wisdom. And God will give it if I listen. The new year is always a good time to sit down and think about what changes we can make in our lives. And that's what I'm wanting to do.

Catching Up

Photo Credit

It seems like life just goes at full-speed sometimes. It's all we can do to keep up, isn't it?

But in the midst of all the crazy schedules, dishes, laundry, church, friends, cooking, diapers, marriage, and anything else you can think of, I find myself wondering something. Why don't I just take time for me once in a while? Mommy is much more happy and at peace when she takes a spare moment to do something that she loves to do. It doesn't have to be something big. Simply sitting to read my Bible for a few minutes, drawing or painting a picture once in a while, blogging a few times a week, or practicing my instruments. I get to sing on the worship team at church once a month, and I would do it more if they needed me to. Something about taking those times to focus on the One who loves me right where I am at helps me to be a better person. Or, at least desire to be a better person.

So, that's where I'm at. As much as I want to serve my family and friends, I also need to take time to do the things that I love. And you know what, most of the time when I do those things, I inadvertently bless others in the process! In short, expect to hear more from me in the coming days.

Preparing for July 3rd

July 3rd is the day I set an appointment at Akemi Salon to get my hair put in dreadlocks. I suppose I could do it on my own, but I prefer neat and manicured locks, which is much more quickly achieved when you have someone do them for you. The great thing about this salon is that they don't use any product in the hair, so it's completely natural. I'm all for that!

I do realize that getting dreadlocks may not be the most popular decision, so I'd like to talk about a few reasons that I have chosen to get them.

First of all, I really embrace who I am as God has made me... with my likes, dislikes, talents, and quirks. As different as dreadlocks might be, I think they will really fit my personality. I've been drawn to them for a long time now and keep coming back to them. When I was in the hospital during my pregnancy with William, I constructed a Dream Board with pictures and words of all the things I wanted to do and be, as well as places I wanted to go. As silly as it sounds, getting dreadlocks was one of the things on that board. My goal is to fulfill as many of those things as I can, and I feel like this will be an important step for me as a person.

Secondly, they will symbolize my walk with Christ. Being a busy wife and mother can be difficult, and faith can fall out of view so easily. Many people who get dreads see them as a picture of their spiritual journey. In keeping with that, I will incorporate a few things I've discovered as I've read about them.
*They will remind me that I am imperfect, but still beautiful in the eyes of God. The first few months of dreadlocks will be challenging as they form. There will be some loose hairs and some bad days, just as I have bad days in my walk with God, but that there is always beauty in spite of the imperfections.
*They will remind me that Christ encountered opposition and hardship, just as I will in this life. People might judge me incorrectly, but God knows my heart. And surely many men judged Jesus incorrectly when He walked this earth. If they hadn't, He would not have been crucified. But how thankful I am that He was... because His resurrection gives me hope and a future.
*They will remind me to pray for others. I love one idea I read about a while back. Putting beads on some dreadlocks can be a reminder to pray for certain people. My first bead will be for my grandma. She's my last living grandparent who is battling with the progression of dementia. It's so difficult for her and my mom. They both need peace. I will also be adding beads for my children so that I remember to pray for them daily.

The third reason would be their simplicity. As I aim to simplify my life, dreadlocks just fit. Although they can take a bit of maintenance as they lock up, in the long run, I'll have to spend very little time on my hair. The care will consist of:
* Washing with residue-free shampoo and towel/air drying them. Contrary to what many people think, you can (and should) wash dreads on a regular basis. Clean hair actually locks up better.
*Using some essential oil as needed (peppermint or tea tree).
*Occasional palm-rolling to keep things under control.
That's it! No more frequent haircuts (mine grows fast), highlights, hair dryers, flat-irons, sprays, conditioners, gels, or pomades.

Last but not least, I think they are pretty :). I love how colorful, unique, and expressive they are. I can't wait to have fun with them as they grow and mature (like I hope to do along with them).

(photo credit)

(photo credit)

You can also see some photos of a couple gorgeous dready mamas here and here. This should be another interesting journey. Thanks for joining me!

The "Dread"-ed Compromise

I've been wanting some pretty little dreadlocks for a long time now. Really, for years. However, there has always been one thing or another stopping me from getting them. I've played around with my hair quite a bit over the years. I've done cornrows and tiny braids and even small little pigtails all over my head. I admit that the latter didn't work out so well... but, hey! I was 18 and having fun! I did like the braids, though, even though I think it was a little more out there than my conservative social circle was used to, as I always got a lot of comments on my hair. One time in my early 20's, I was even asked not to braid my hair before I sang a solo in church, in order that people would focus on God and not my hair. So I stopped braiding it other than once in a while. After all, I didn't want to be distracting people from worship.

Things have gradually changed for me over the years. One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm a people-pleaser. I don't like saying no and if I'm not careful, I tend to care too much about what people think of me. I can see my own heart, but if someone starts questioning my motives, I've always been likely to re-think what I'm doing. But the simple fact is that I'm an artistic girl. Some things people might see as rebellious, I just think are pretty (such as artful tattoos, belly rings, nose rings, big jewelry, bright hair colors, and cute dreads). I always thought it was something I would "grow out of", but here I am at 30, so I guess that's just who I am. And I'm good with that. I realize this might make me a bit different from a lot of people in the church, but it doesn't mean I love God any less or have a rebellious heart. God loves me! He made me to see beauty in everything and gave me a creative gift. When I express that, it makes Him happy because He loves that about me. He wants me to have fun and enjoy life as long as I'm living for Him the best that I can.

That being said, the hubs doesn't really like the look (or the permanence) of dreadlocks. So, we made a compromise. I'll wear braids, which I can take out easily enough, but still have a similar flair to them. This will also help me to grow my hair out more easily, since the length is driving me batty and tickling my face right now. I think they're fun and cute, and they only took me about 3 hrs to do (not all in one sitting, mind you).

So, here's me in my braids:

I'm still considering the possibility of locking them at some point, but for now, they feel fun and summer-y. That's a word, right? Yeah, I thought so. Happy almost summer!

So about one of those interesting facts....

I am compulsively organized. Let's just say David and I had a chuckle at my expense last night when I showed him how to fold an undershirt rather than crinkle it into a pile. He took his stack of "folded" t-shirts and put them in the front of the drawer. For most people, this would be the normal thing to do, I assume. But this little feeling inside me makes me rotate everything, so that no one thing gets worn more than the others. Even underwear. David laughed at my compulsive need to put the newly folded stack in the back of the drawer... and then put the newly folded socks underneath the old ones. It just helps my peace of mind.

But last night I have never laughed at myself so much. I asked David if he would rather have a slob for a wife or someone who is organized. He said, "of course, I would rather have someone who.... rotates their underwear (snicker)."

So I say, "honey, are you laughing at my anal nature?"

"WHAT about your ANAL nature???"

Maybe I do just need to write

An old classmate from my grade school just got in touch with me on myspace. It is always nice to hear from people, and he's doing well... living in the midwest married with 4 kids. Oddly enough, when he said I looked the same as always, it evoked in me a feeling of panic. How we've all grown up and changed since then, and how I do NOT want to be that little girl that I was.

But there's a part of me that will always be back in grade school.

You see, it's definitely got me thinking. I really really hated my school. I loved learning and got good grades, in fact the areas I excelled in literally kept me alive when I had no desire to go on. There were a group of us that were actually sent up to the next class for all the major classes; such as math, reading, science, etc. My school was small. And I mean SMALL. 100 kids from kindergarten through eighth grade. Our grade had 14 boys and 6 girls, a few of whom were good friends, a few of whom decided when to be my friend and when to backstab. I got used to being picked on. I hated grade school, and even more hated myself.

The worse things got at school, the harder I worked at my academics, music, and art. Every day when I got on the bus a group of guys would mock me and smash their noses, telling me how flat my face was. And if I was in a fight with a particular friend, she knew right where to get me. One time when she was trying to impress the guys, she smashed her face against the seat and said, "look, I'm Becci!" I was constantly being told it looked like my face had been run into by a semi truck. A girl that was quite a bit older than me would make fun of my clothes (we had no money for nice clothes). One time in particular I had gotten a pair of purple pants for Christmas. I loved them, and hardly ever having new things, I was so happy to have these pretty new purple pants. This girl mocked me loudly, saying it just looked like someone had picked their nose and wiped it on my pants. On many occasions, I didn't want to go to school, sometimes didn't even want to get up in the morning.

I was tired of sitting in class just waiting for that moment, the moment when someone would secretly do something mean; like make a pig out of modeling clay and pass it around the room whispering that it was me. When I would cry or say something out loud, I would be the one getting in trouble instead of the people who made life miserable for me.

It got so bad that a couple of the guys making fun of me all those years crossed the line from poking fun to sexual harassment. I told, they got suspended, and I went to school with them until the end of the school year. People would avoid me on the stairs saying that if they touched me I would report them. I became invisible. Sometimes I still feel the sting of those days. It got even worse, so after that year I was pulled out of that school district and put in the other one nearest us.

But I carried these things with me. And they caused a lot of problems. When I went to my new school, it felt so nice to be liked (at least by some people) that I did a lot of things that ended up messing up my life. I would drink or smoke to impress. I would cut myself to numb the pain I couldn't escape from. Not that I would change my life. A lot of who I am now stems from the things I have been through. But the constant feelings of ugliness caused me to tend toward an eating disorder for several years, something I overcame with God's help shortly before meeting my husband. Years of struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide have also melted away with the Lord's gentle healing.

But there is still that part of me that wants to try to please everyone, even though I know I can't. That part of me that caves with the slightest bit of opposition... I call it the spineless me. The part of me that says I'm too dumb to go to nursing school even though I know I'm smart. The part of me that wonders if everyone sees me the way those people used to see me... as ugly and useless. The part of me that makes it hard to believe my husband when he says I'm gorgeous.

And the part of me that hates me.

Words can be strong, so use them well. If only kids could understand the power they have in how they treat their peers. And now that I have a daughter, how can I protect her from those things? How can I make her life better? Or can I? Maybe, just maybe, mothering is more about being there through the crap than it is about preventing it. Because Lord knows I can't be everywhere all the time. Sometimes I just have to give up and say there's nothing more to do. Just trust that the lessons we learn are valuable, even if we have to learn them through isolation, persecution, loss, bad choices, or whatever else life throws our way.

And slowly I have begun to see possibility rather than dread. I'm seeing that I AM somebody, that I have worthwhile things to say. That I matter to a lot of people, and that I could be a damn good nurse if I really want to. That I can love God and still have flaws, and He won't kick me to the curb if I screw up. The thing that has kept me from going to college is fear mainly. Fear that I'll mess it all up once I put it into practice.

But I'm tired of being held by fear. I'm not going to let it hold me any more, even if I have to fight it.

Here's to possibility.

What (not) To Wear

My life has been a scrapbook of different styles of clothing, hair and accessories. Being an artist, I have always felt the need to express myself through what I put on my body.

The longest stage was the hippie stage in high school and the first year or two after. My closet held the most Polyester at that time... oh yes, the bell bottoms and all! I had one pair that was green with white polka dots (tiny tiny ones that were really more like nubs of thread or some such thing) that I wore with a shirt that was red with little flowers that were all colors of the rainbow and tiny white polka dots. I spent a lot of time on beaded jewelry, even learning how to make flowered necklaces out of seed beads. I would wear several of those at a time. My favorite pair of pants was a huge, soft old pair of farmer overalls that I ironed a homemade daisy patch on the front of. Heh, I even made suspenders for them out of hemp and colored beads in the order of the wordless book. I would say that mixed in were a lot of other styles as well.... let's just say I didn't have a hard time finding anything to wear for Spirit Week.

Then there was the punk stage after high school. I made patched up jackets and wore Converse All-Stars. I had a dog chain that I wore around my neck and wore my hair short and spikey. One time it was bleach blonde and one time it was purple. Dare I say when the punk was mixed in there in high school (on some days) that I dyed my hair black? Of course, having blonde hair made it necessary to cut my hair to an inch in length to avoid looking like a skunk. I often donned a studded belt of purple leopard print in combination with my black steel-toed boots. Most days I would wear an average of 10 (or more) necklaces at a time. Some affectionately called me Mr. T.

My clothing style has gradually tamed over the years, and I feel I can finally let all that go- and be comfortable in my own skin. On many occasions I have been inspired by the show What Not To Wear. Because really??? My clothes would have been burned had I gone on that show. Ever-so-slowly (but a little faster as of late) I have been adding items to my wardrobe that I can *gasp* mix and match. Jacket that can be layered that come in at the waist. Button up shirts!! Zip-up boots and pointy-toed shoes. Jeans that flatter instead of "fatter". And can I say that I feel good about myself? I wear makeup now. Most new moms have a tendency to let themselves go for a while (sometimes longer). For me, it has motivated me to look the part, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'll still have fun with my clothes, just in a bit more of a mainstream way.

The only thing that has not died?? Lift up the bottom of my pant leg on most days, and you'll see a sock with a print of some sort, a lot of them cartoon or animal or some such thing. I just can't let them go.

Some habits die hard.

6 things about MEME

So, Sarah tagged me and I have to tell you all 6 weird things about myself. This could be interesting.

1. I am a separate eater. My food cannot touch. And I eat one thing at a time in order around the plate, leaving the thing I like best for the last. I think the world would be a beautiful place if we all used those plastic plates with the compartments in them:)

2. When I was pregnant, it was not the typical gross smells that got to me... it was anything soap-like. The clean laundry was by far the worst. Instant gagging. Our bedroom "stunk" so bad I had to wear vicks under my nose. I gagged the moment I walked into our house (eventually even when my nose was plugged). Dishes were untouchable. The only room in the house that did not give me heaves? The bathroom. Go figure.

3. Something funny to go with the pregnancy laundry aversion...normally it (clean laundry) is one of my favorite smells. In the process of folding the laundry I will frequently bring a clean item of clothing up to my nose and breathe in slowly. The fresher from the dryer the better. There is something relaxing about this for me, almost like meditation, only not.

4. I arrange my closet in rainbow order and/or by the size of the garment. My closet goes like this: Short dresses, long dresses, short skirts, long skirts, pants. Then it goes to my shirts. They go like so: white, gray, black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. Within each color section, they hang from short sleeves, to 3/4 length sleeves, to long sleeves, to sweater/jacket. Then if I want to wear a green short sleeve shirt, I know right where it is. David doesn't care so much, so I just arrange by size... pants, short sleeve polo shirts, short sleeve button-up shirts, long sleeve button-up shirts, long sleeve t-shirts, sweaters, then Jackets.

5. Now, something about my drawers (no, not that kind). I put everything in order, most recently worn on the bottom. That way they rotate though, and one item won't get worn out faster than the others. This includes all t-shirts, pajamas, underwear and socks.

6. An interesting embarrassment from youth is my vanity. I always hated the way I looked, especially despising my nose, which I was made fun of for unceasingly throughout grade school. I would look into the mirror and imagine myself beautiful. We had the kind of mirror where both sides opened so you could see yourself from several angles. And the hair. The hair I was always proud of. In fact it was the only feature I didn't hate. So I brushed it and watched it swish back and forth. One of my favorite things was to joke around and sing, "Ghirmack bounceback beautiful hair." Oh, the shame.

So I tag Catherine, Terri, and Emma.

Yep

Still plugging away at the packing. We've gotten a lot done.

I'm so tired that I cracked an egg and instead of plopping it in to the bowl, I plopped it right into one of the compartments in the egg carton. David asked me if I was preggo.

I just call it "moving brain".

Get To Know Me

I got this meme off Tonya's blog. Thought I would give it a try. You can try it too! All the things you wondered about me but didn't know.....

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. KB Toy Store
2. Christian Conference Center (in the kitchen)
3. Child Care (pre-K assistant and after-school teacher)
4. Summer Camp Cabin Leader

Movies I would watch over & over:
1. Princess Bride
2. Napoleon Dynamite
3. Matrix
4. Office Space

Places I have lived:
1. Portland, Oregon
2. Kennesaw, Georgia
3. Acworth, Georgia
4. Tonasket, Washington

Four tv shows I love to watch:
1. House
2. American Idol
3. CSI
4. Survivor

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Sacramento & LA, California
2. Mexico (mission trip)
3. Ukraine (mission trip)
4. Alaska

Four websites I visit daily:
1. All the blogs on my blogroll
2. Life After Miscarriage (Support website for women who have lost babies during pregnancy. Lots of wonderful ladies)
3. Incompetent Cervix Support (Support website for women with incompetent cervix)
4. My Space

Four of my favorite foods:
1. French Fries anywhere!!
2. Seafood (especially crab and scallops)
3. Thai (pad thai is great with a thai iced tea)
4. Pizza (love the cowboy pizza from Papa Murphy's- pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms and olives)

Four places I would Rather be right now:
1. At the mall WALKING AROUND
2. Camping in a hot place by the water
3. The beach
4. California!!!!

Four songs that make me cry:
1. "I Am" by Nicole Nordeman
2. "The Dance" by Garth Brooks
3. "Held" by Natalie Grant
4. "Scar Tissue" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Just For Fun (and because I am bored out of my gourd)

On reading Mandy's blog this morning I decided to rise to her challenge and take the quiz on my own blog. For something to do and hopefully something interesting for you to read about that doesn't have a thing to to with cervical measurements! If you feel so inspired to do so yourself.... please do. Oh, but I insist.

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
LOL the bedrest book has a blank page on 18 because it is in between chapters! Let's try Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. "...water snake slipped along on the pool, its head..."

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.& catch air?
No. I caught my couch. Surprised?

3.What is the last thing you watched on TV?
American Idol on Wednesday night. I am very pleased with the top 2, as Katherine and Taylor are both great.

4.Without looking, guess what time it is?
12 noon

5.Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
12:04... I only knew it was close because I had looked at the clock when David called to see if I had eaten lunch yet. I haven't and I am HUNGRY.

6.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Lots of cars driving by and my tummy growling.

7.When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Just a minute ago to get the mail. Don't worry it is right outside on the porch. And it smells heavenly out there. After being hot all week it has that fresh smell like it's going to rain.

8.Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
My fridge that needs to be shoveled out.

9.What are you wearing?
Sorry to disappoint, but it is not an extra-large drawn-on men's t-shirt with vents cut into the side... I am wearing light blue capris with flowers on them and a light blue t-shirt with a v neck and a bit of a tie that's like a bow, but then not so much like a bow.

10.When did you last laugh?
This morning reading Amalah's blog entry. To funny! If you like to avoid a smattering of profanities (OK more profanities than I realized originally), don't read it.

11.What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A couple of pictures of nature scenes. Living room.

12.Seen anything weird lately?
I don't know. Does this count???


13.What do you think of this quiz?
It's alright and certainly keeping me busy for a few minutes.

14.What is the last film you saw?
A movie from the 90's called The Thirteenth Floor. It's an interesting Sci-Fi, but the plot had me thinking too hard before bed and I was wired for half the night and kept having dreams like I was part of the movie or something.

15.If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Definitely a house and a couple cars for us. I would adopt a couple kids internationally. Other than that I don't know. Maybe some expensive shoes and a cute little handbag.

16.Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I still watch (gasp!) some movies on VHS. But I do use a cordless remote for that.

17.If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Babies would never die.

18.Do you like to Dance?
Oh yeah, baby. Do the funky chicken.

19.Imagine your first child is a girl. What do you call her?
My first two children were girls. Our baby in Heaven is Kaily Beth and the baby in my belly is Dorothy Grace

20.Imagine your first child is a boy. What do you call him?
David Bennett

21.Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes! I love to travel!

22.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"Welcome home... I see you found your key!"

New Meds

Yesterday I had one of my rough days as far as contractions go. Most of the time the medication I am on does the trick, but not yesterday, so we were told to go into Labor & Delivery. We got there and I was hooked up to the monitor for a while. Dorothy was kicking my stomach and making the monitor jump all over. We were in that room for 5-10 minutes tops (hardly long enough for them to see if anything was even going on) when a nurse from my peri's office walked in and said they were just going to take me over to his office and check me out. Good thing, too, because he is the only dr. I trust right now. They did the regular ultrasound (the one they do every week) and also a manual exam (NOT my favorite part). My cervix was measuring at 2.2 and funneling almost down to the stitch, but the stitch was holding well.

The short of it is that he ended up prescribing a drug that is very effective in stopping contractions, but it is one they only give two courses of during the whole pregnany. Each course is only 48 hours because evidently it is a medication they use after preemies are born to close a certain valve in their heart. The valve stays open in the womb, but is supposed to close after birth. It would be very bad for it to close in the womb as it has to do with the flow of oxygen. To tell you the truth I am freaked to take the meds, but they are working for the contractions and I am sure my dr. knows what he's talking about. Still makes me nervous.

On another topic, I just love this blogging thing. I really enjoy being able to have a whole community full of people that get me through the day with laughs and tears and stories about their own experiences. Honestly, I really can't figure out why I didn't start one sooner. I have pretty much thrown all caution to the wind as far as what I want to write about, too because really; if someone doesn't want to read it they don't have to, right? The great thing is, no matter what someone writes about, there is always someone who relates to what they are saying; always someone who says, "man, I wish I had the guts to say that or the ability to portray those feelings in just that way." I (almost daily) find myself saying to myself...

"Self... I couldn't have said that better myself!"

Write or Wrong?

I used to write. A lot. Almost every day I had my pen out writing in my journal, a notebook, even a scrap of paper. But I lost my passion when I lost my baby; it just slipped away from me along with a handful of other things I loved to do. Things that even in my lowest times I still enjoyed. I don't think it's the fact that I don't enjoy them any more because inside myself I know that I do. Maybe I am lazy. Maybe the passions will return to me stronger than before. What I do know is I am a different person than I was prior to all of this; and I find myself wanting to write again, but I don't know where to start. Or what to say. Or even why. It could have to do with my fear of being judged for what goes on in my mind. I remember going through many dark times and writing was my way to get it out. It was almost like therapy. Then I burned (in a bonfire) pages of writing consisting of journal entries, poetry, stories and letters. Sometimes I am thankful that I got rid of it because of the awful place that I was in, but there are times that I wish I still had it; not to wallow in that place, but to remember and be thankful.

At least I am not here any more:

Loneliness

The way you see the world...
jaded hearts.
Ice melting away, falling freedom.
Gaze into your insecurities.
Give up your ideals of self and opinion.
Differences.
Deep, gaping canyons, they swallow you,
and humanity turns away,
a swirling mass with no emotion.
Thoughts.
Cold being.
Heartbeat concealed.
You are the machine created by...
your isolation.

Me, 1999

Maybe I am more here:

I'd Like to know the Truth

Would you tell me if it is possible?
Even if there is a place
where water rises and meets air,
where you cross the bridge from doing to being,
where a man makes the connection
between what he knows
and what he is.

I'd like to think that such a place exists.
Is it true that a man can fool his own mind
into believing what his heart has always known as the truth?
Is it true?
Even if I'd like to know...
would you tell me the truth?
Or is truth the thing you hid from others
because you feel the danger in
letting another man know you for what you really are?

I know that fear all too well.
It is so real to me that I know it has to be real to you.
Now it is clear to me.
I must stop holding the hand of fear.
To let go!
For such a small step, why does it feel so huge?
One finger at a time I break free
from the cage that has held me captive
all of my breathing days
and all of my sleepless nights.
I will look back for no man,
for truth has set me free.

Me, 2000

At any rate, there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that maybe the reason I have been so silent is because I don't have a clue what will come out when I finally do start to write it out. The thing that is hard for me to swallow is the fact that I still don't know what to say even though I have been in similar shoes to another person. So many people out there have a "list" of things to say to people who are going through one tragic thing or another, mainly seemingly useless platitudes. God help me, I do not want to be one of those people. There are so few things one can say to a person without further hurting them or discounting the process that they are going through and the pain that they are dealing with. I have dealt with many comments that were more damaging than helpful, and had to learn to brush a lot of them off rather than try to explain why they were not helpful or encouraging. I sometimes still deal with a lot of these comments in the back of my mind. Even though my faith in God has helped me through a lot of things, many of the hurtful things that have been said to me came from the mouths of people that thought they were telling me what God would want them to say. It actually had the opposite effect than they were intending, I think, because most of them left me at a standstill in the grief process or feeling like I did not have the faith I used to have. In reality I do not have the faith I used to have, but I think in the long run, it will be better. At least I hope to not be someone like Lola talked about in her entry today. It just broke my heart to know that she was looking for something and actually putting herself out there to ask the difficult questions and found that nobody could answer them. May I be the kind of person that, because of my grief, can give some hope where none seems to be found, even though I don't have all the answers.

The many faces of bedrest

Being in a high-risk pregnancy on bedrest is an extremely emotional experience. People who have never been in a similar situation can only imagine what it is like... fear, boredom, anger, frustration, hysteria... please! Somebody take me away! Since I cannot adequately describe to you what it is like, I will give you a visual glimpse....

Face #1: Content
Some days I feel content, like nothing can touch me. My cervix will NOT shrink. My baby WILL be full-term.



Face #2: Eeeewww!
This face is reserved for such phrases as ,"this house is filthy!" and, "what is that smell?"



Face #3: Holding my breath
This is for the days where I am holding my breath until me next cervical measurement. Dear Lord, pleeaase let my cervix stay long and closed!



Face #4: Oh, you don't saaay!
This is for the plethora of unwanted pieces of advice. Of course as soon as a woman gets pregnant, people are full of suggestions to do/not do this or that, to eat/not eat this or that, lalala. Is there anything left to do if I take all the advice?



Face #5: My cervix is HOW long??
This face is for the doctor's eyes only. It is the shock of finding out that my cervix is more than a centimeter shorter than it was two weeks ago. AAAHHH!



Face #6: FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)
This face is for the times when I feel the aforementioned feelings, but say that I feel fine. Yeah, sure, I am FINE.... why do you ask?



How am I feeling today, you might ask? Well, to be honest, I couldn't really tell you if I tried....

My view every day.....

We got our new camera in the mail today so I popped the battery in the charger and decided to play with it a bit.

Here is what I have seen every day for the past 7 weeks....



And here is what anyone who comes to visit will see....



I have actually gotten used to the laying around thing. It's not so bad.... most of the time. I did have a bit of a meltdown last night because the house is MESSY! Being the neat freak that I am it is hard to sit in a messy house and not be able to do anything about it, as I like to have control of my surroundings (maybe a bit too much at times). I will give up control for our baby. She is worth it most definitely. But that does not change the messy house fact. Someone should invent some glasses that make your house look clean even when it is not! Then when people come over they could just pop those puppies on and they would never know the difference. Dream on.

The other day I was tagged with a meme by Amy S. of Spreng Bling Bling, a woman who was also diagnosed with incompetent cervix, had a cerclage, bedrest (some of it in the hospital) and now has a beautiful baby boy! I had never been tagged before, so here goes.

Six Things You Don't Know About Me:

1. I had to look up what being tagged was all about.

Yes, I did. I am new to the world of blogging so I looked up tagging to make sure I was understanding it correctly, and I didn't feel so stupid when I found out I was. LOL yes, I am learning many new things being on the computer every day.

2. I have hiked on a glacier.

I worked in Alaska for 3 summers. The camp I was working at was close to the Matanuska glacier, so we drove there and hiked all over it. Aside from the fact that I got stuck up high on the slippery ice and had to be "rescued" by one of the guys like a damsel in distress, it was an amazing experience. I felt so small and the world felt so big!

3. David and I only knew each other just over 5 months when we got married.

We met in the summer working at a summer camp as cabin leaders and by December we were married. I say when you know you know. I would not change it even if I could. No regrets, he is the best husband! (when you read this David, I LOVE YOU for putting up with this whole bedrest thing....)

4. I am a sore loser.

When it comes to board games, that is. I lose them most of the time and hate it every time. David on the other hand is great at them (blech it makes me sick). I don't know why other than I don't like looking STUPID. When we were playing "Would You Rather?" on New Year's Eve, the question came up, "would you rather always play but never win, or never play?" I said never play.

5. I collect socks.

I have almost no plain white socks. The only ones I have are ones that I work out in (obviously not in my current state). All my other socks have some kind of design or animal or whatever on them. Several of them are toe socks, but I don't wear those as often. My whackiest pair? Christmas toe socks where the little toes are reindeer and the big toe is Santa.



6. I hate being asked to pick a favorite.

Color, food, movie, game, band, book, or vacation spot. I love variety and have a very hard time settling on one thing or the other. I go with what sounds good at the time. Variety is the spice of life!

Now for the people I am tagging:
PurpleK of Purple Puzzle Place
Melissa of One Sweet World
KMW of My Cerclage