Friday, June 30, 2006

A bit of freedom!

Well, it's not a lot, but I'll take it! My appointment went well today, cervix behaving at 2.8cm. Baby Dorothy is now just over 3 lbs and is a very average size for her age. Good news! She's getting bigger and therefore kicking me harder. There is nothing like that feeling.

So we now have permission to go on 2 outings a week... dinner, movie, things like that. He said he would add an outing at a time for a while until I get off the bedrest, which it's not for sure when I will get off it. So this week will be dinner out with my family and registering for my family baby shower that is 3 weeks from today. It seems unreal to be this far into it, as I spent so long worried that our baby would be born way too soon. We are in very good territory now, being that my 30 week mark is tomorrow.

I have had a very mellow week. I got to spend a night with my sister-in-law and hold my nephew quite a bit. I just can't get enough of him and his cute little self. For once I can let myself imagine what it might be like to hold my baby that way. Part of me still wants to protect myself. Part of me wants to say that anything could happen. But it is now easier to hope than it has been and I am slowly letting myself prepare for a child. I think most of the mental preparation is still hard to do, but here we are getting closer and closer. I want nothing more than to hold her and know that she is safe. Someday soon....

Monday, June 26, 2006


I don't know why I can't bring myself to blog lately. Maybe it's the heat... or the boredom... or the lack of things to talk about... or the IRRITABILITY. Could be all of the above. I even get irritated at my own dang self because I CAN'T TYPE and I am tired of hitting the delete button ALL THE TIME. How sad is that? I can't even be around myself now! I annoy me...

I used to sit around happily crocheting:

Now due to the heat I look more like this:

This is my current project:

BUT I can't work on it right now since we are having record breaking heat and I am already laying on the couch... and the blanket/couch throw is now covering me when I work on it. Normally I love summer. I go for picnics and swimming. Definitely take advantage of some camping and hiking! But not this year... and it's driving me nuts. My sense of adventure is suffocating. We'll just have to get one of those baby backpack things and go hiking with her after she comes, I suppose. I'm sure it will have to be next year after I work on my weak thighs!

So starting next week David and I will be staying at his parents' house. His mom will get my lunch ready in the morning and we will not have to worry about people coming in and out of the house. Honestly, I have been on people overload for a while now. That sounds wierd I know because most of the time I am sitting here alone. But to have people in and out of the house daily (twice daily on the dinner days) is a bit much for me. 16 weeks of that would wear on anyone I think, regardless of how much the help is appreciated. But my emotions can't do it. My patience is fried and sometimes (most of the time) I don't want to be social. So there you go. Not much else happening here, just waiting extra long for my appointment this week, which is not until Friday.

And I am over 29 weeks now!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Back to the blog

What an eventful week we had! Sunday night my sister-in-law went in to be induced. Since we were both pregnant at the same time, but never got a picture taken together, we got one taken just before she left for the hospital.

Although she went in on Sunday night, the first thing they did was a pill to get her cervix ready for labor. She was not started on the pitocin until Monday morning at around 6 am. Simon was born at 11:47. This picture is about 5 minutes after his birth.

I went back to the hospital later that day (a couple more times). I could not get enough of holding him. He is so tiny and so cute! As much as it has been hard to be around newborns, holding him was wonderful...

I mean, just look at that little face:

The funny thing is, as happy as I am for her, there is still some jealousy in me. I have a feeling that it's pretty normal, but I still feel guilty that I can't simply be happy for the good things in other peoples' lives without thinking about myself. I have been aching to hold a baby... not just any baby, but my baby... since I got pregnant the first time. And even though I am pregnant again now, there is still part of me that can't believe that this is going to turn out with the desired result. I try to push the fear away, but it is there. We are never guaranteed that things are going to turn out the way that we want them to... which scares me. I just want baby Dorothy to get here safe and sound! Of course what I have heard from every mother is that there is always something to worry about.

Last night we went to my parents' house for dinner. David has been asking for a long time to see some baby pictures of me. I have a few toddler ones, but I hadn't gotten around to asking my parents if they could perhaps find my baby pictures. David really wanted to see them before Dorothy gets here, so last night the albums and the box were hunted out of the closet and we all rifled through the pictures together.

It was fun looking through all the pictures. One of the albums had all three of our pictures (my brother, sister and I) of the first few months of our lives. I was one chubby baby right from the start! Man alive those cheeks!!! There were a lot of pictures that were not in albums that spanned our early childhood so we looked through those, too.

It was a fun evening for me. This morning we got up and went to my appointment. Dr. F is out of town... actually out of country... so I saw his wife. They are both Perinatologists in the same office. She asked if there was anything I wanted to do. At first I was trying to figure out what she meant, but the more I thought, the more I realized she wanted to know if there was something I wanted to actually GO OUT and DO this week. Hmmmm, well, it didn't take long for David to pipe in and say, "go to a movie!" She said that was fine if we wanted to try that and see if I felt any different afterward and that it was normal to start testing the waters a bit more and gradually add some activity. So David and I are going to go on a real live date sometime this week! Maybe I can talk him in to taking me to dinner afterward. She just wanted us to make sure we didn't go out the night before my appointment as she laughed and said she didn't want to get in trouble with her husband if my cervix was shorter than normal. Evidently Dr. F was wondering how I was doing. He called the office to check on a few of the patients and asked specifically if I was still pregnant. That made me feel pretty good that he is a dr. that actually cares about his patients enough to think about them outside of work and check on them while he is in Europe. I knew I liked that man! So as of today, my cervix is still stable at 2.6 cm and Dorothy is still at her acrobatics because she flipped around again to a head-down position. So stay that way, baby!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Still here

Hi I have been a bit absent from the blogging world for a few days, but I have an excuse. David and I have a new nephew, born yesterday at 11:47! I will post some pictures later. His name is Simon and he was 7 lbs. and 20 in. long with lots of dark hair. He is too cute! Sorry this is a short update, but I will try to post some more tomorrow, along with appointment updates.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

28 Weeks!!!!

Thank you to everyone who left comments wishing Kaily a Happy Birthday. It was wonderful to know that so many people were remembering us on that day. We went to my parents' house for dinner and afterward we had a birthday cake for her that my sister made. I wished all day that things were different, that we could have been watching her squish the cake between her little fingers and make a mess all over her face. My mom lit a candle for me to blow out for her. I only had one wish to make, which I have no doubt you can guess what that wish was. It was for her sister...

I can't believe we made it this far! We have been waiting since the placement of my cerclage to get to 28 weeks. Dorothy has a 90% chance of survival and it only keeps going up from here. For some reason it is still hard to get through my head that we will be bringing home a baby in a couple of months. It seems unreal. It also seems unreal that I have been on bedrest for 15 weeks now. We are now about 9 weeks away from cerclage removal. NINE WEEKS and we could have a baby in our arms. Oh, how I want to hold her; the time just can't go by fast enough. I want more than anything else for her to be here, to be healthy, to be strong... not to mention adorable, kissable and cuddly! Sometime in the next few days I will be watching my nephew be born and in some ways it is hard not knowing the future of what will be with Dorothy. Odds are at this point that she will be healthy, but my mind still wanders to all those things that could go wrong (as much as I try not to think about those things). Something tells me there will always be something I could worry about, though!

*Your baby can hear the outside world over the sound of the moms heartbeat. Hello baby!
*Lunar Month 8, 28 wks LMP
*Baby weighs 2.22 lbs or 1005 grams. Baby is 14.8 inches or 37.6 cm long.
*Your baby has assumed the "fetal position," with its legs tucked up to its chest.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

One Year, My Dear

My baby girl Kaily Beth,

One year ago today our lives changed. One year ago today you left us for Heaven. I have missed you every day since then; I will miss you every day until I meet you. Your daddy and I never got to hold you, but we always loved you. We want to plant a tree for you, but we have to wait until your sister is safely here. Perhaps we can celebrate her life and yours at the same time, but until then I will look at your little scrapbook. There are not many pages because your life was so short, but those moments I will never forget. Today I want to honor your memory, and my hope is that God will let you see this so you can know that you are always remembered.

Almost 2 years ago your Daddy and I met. We knew very quickly that we loved each other. Many days and evenings were spent together talking about what we wanted out of life, where we had been and our hopes and dreams for a family together. Some of my favorite memories are of my first moments with him; getting to know your Daddy was so much fun. I knew I could never feel that way about anyone else:

The day he proposed to me was the most beautiful day. It was a sunny day in September and we had gone for a picnic in the park. Little did I know that I had actually planned out the whole day that would become the day that he proposed to me on!

That day was a day of celebration! Our love has only grown since then:

That December we got married. We pledged our love to each other, promised that we would cherish each other every day for the rest of our lives. Your Daddy looked so perfect on that day! Nothing could distract me from looking into his eyes:

So we joined hands, knowing that we would have joys and sorrows together. We didn't know what lay ahead for us, but we knew that no matter what we were committed to be together:

Only a few short months after we got married I found out I was pregnant with you, baby girl! We were excited about meeting you. I will never forget the first time we saw you, your tiny heart beating away:

You kept growing strong within me:

The 4 months I was pregnant with you were filled with hope about your future. I dreamed about who you would be, what it would be like to see your beautiful face. As far as I was concerned, nothing could touch my joy and excitement about you:

But you had to leave us so quickly. We don't understand why. A few days after you left us, there was the most beautiful storm. In a small way it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world. All I wanted was you, but you were gone, so I looked at the sky and the double rainbow. I tried to see it as a promise, a hope:

Your Daddy got me a ring to remember you by so I have something with me every day. To me this means you are always with me. The ring holds three hearts: one for your Daddy, one for me, and one for you:

Your Daddy's cousin gave me a gift shortly after you left us, an angel of hope to remind me that you were safe and that better times were coming. I set her out today and lit a candle for your short life. Your sister is now waiting to come and meet us. It brings me comfort to think that you might be up there praying for her and for us. Some days I don't feel that hope, but I know it is there:

I also put out an angel that your great Aunt Nancy gave me on my birthday this year, as well as a ceramic heart that she gave me a few years ago on my birthday. I thought the words were fitting: "God danced the day you were born. You are loved, you are beautiful, you are a gift of God." Even though you were only with us for 4 months, you were a gift born straight to Him:

Your Daddy and I will never forget that our love is what created you. So in that small way you are still with us because our love is always there. You will always be a part of that love:

I try every day to hang on to the good things. For a while there life did not seem good if I could not have you in my arms. But there are still things to experience and people to love. "What a wonderful God we have- He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us." II Corinthians 1:3-4
"Let the spotlight of grief draw you, your family and friends together in the circle of its light.":

I will try to honor you by finding hope in the future, by enjoying life and helping other people. When the sadness and longing for you seems too strong I will think of where you are now. What I want you to know is that you are always loved and always remembered. Nothing can replace the hole that was made when you left. Happy Heaven birthday, Kaily!

"After the death of your special person, there is still life for you. Someday you will be able to smile and say, 'My broken heart is healed.' Someday..."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Checking in

I just wanted to write a quick post so you all wouldn't be worried about me! I had my appointment early this week. This morning Dr. F was not there, there was only a sub in, so I just had my ultrasound and progesterone shot. The nurses said since everything still looked stable (cervix closed and 2.5cm long) that we didn't have to see the dr. unless we had questions. The only thing that changed is that Dorothy is breech again, so she is kicking my cervix and her legs are getting stronger!!! Ouch! So I am still allowed to go to the hospital when David's sister has her baby. Other than that nothing much going on. I am not inspired to write much the past few days (maybe because this week is Kaily's birthday week) but I will try to post more tomorrow or the next day.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

27 weeks

I wake up every Saturday grateful for the chance to be one week farther along in this pregnancy. And next Saturday is the first MAJOR milestone; the week that Dr. F has been so pounding into our heads that we just have to get that far. And here we are, the official beginning of the third trimester and one week away from 28 weeks. So far I have been able to endure 14 weeks of bedrest. "Only" 10 more to go, though maybe some of those weeks will be a little less strict (one can only hope). Dorothy continues to grow, which also includes her kicks and wiggles getting stronger. Her little feet are now getting dangerously close to my ribs, although I think I may have a couple weeks left before I get really strong kicks up that high.

Good news on the glucose test! I passed with flying colors so I can continue to pig out (as demonstrated in picture to the right). David's brother celebrated his 30th birthday last night and I gladly and heartily partook of the moist yellow cake piled with strawberries and vanilla ice cream. I am, on the other hand, low in iron (bad Becci for not being diligent with the taking of the vitamins!) so I need to start taking my prenatals again. I have been rather forgetful about taking them since the end of the first trimester (and beginning of bedrest), and I have no doubt that improving my iron levels will also improve my feelings of exhaustion. It has been increasingly difficult to drag my lazy rump out of bed (and onto the couch) in the morning, which in turn also makes me more on the irritable side.

This morning we headed over to my parents' house for a nice big breakfast with all the fixins. My sister's husband is the random internet fun finder of the family, and ran across something like this the other day. Apparently if you stick mentos in a Coke bottle, it explodes! So my brother-in-law went to get some and try it out. It worked. Here's the evidence:

What we do for entertainment in this family.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

One step closer

I was going to post yesterday, but I didn't have access to a laptop until the evening, and then I decided to wait until this morning so we could scan the latest ultrasound picture of Dorothy. She actually let us see her face yesterday (26w4d), unlike the past few weeks that she shoved her face against the placenta and wouldn't move. My cervix is still sitting at a bit above 2cm, so it seems to be stable. Dr. F is pleased so far and is actually allowing me out of the house to go to my nephew's birth within the next couple of weeks. David's sister is due on the same day I turn 28 weeks, and if she does not go by then she's most likely going to be induced on the evening of Father's Day. This will be the first real person thing I have done since March without having to lay down the whole time. Imagine that.

I got a call about 2 hours after my appointment from my insurance company saying that Dr. F had referred me for an insulin class. To say the least I was confused because I had only had my first glucose test 2 hours before and they had told me yesterday not even to call for the results until today! The lady on the other line said "well, didn't he tell you that he was going to do that??" I said, "uuuhhh, no..." She then realized that she was reading someone else's information and I was supposed to be referred to a bedrest childbirth education course with a book and videos. Ok Whew. But one can only wonder if the chidbirth class is going to be along the same lines as the pregnancy bedrest book. After all, they didn't even have the option of getting DVDs rather than VHS. This could be interesting. There is not only a book and handouts, but SIX VIDEOS! Six. Could be hours of amusement.

I also wanted to update you on my friend Cheri. I am one of many praying for miraculous healing for her as she has undergone (in the last two years) 3 surgeries (as of Tuesday) and 3 soon to be 4 rounds of radiation. Cancer is a devastating disease. So many times it hits the most unlikely people and leaves us asking why. Here are some updates that the church has been sending out since she had the biopsy a couple weeks ago:

The swelling in Cheri's face is not from the biopsy performed last week. Rather, it's from disturbance of the cancerous tumor which has since accelerated in growth. She also has tumors in her right upper arm and one in her right shoulder blade. They believe the latter can be treated with radiation alone. Once surgery is completed, Cheri will also have radiation on her face.

Beginning on Tuesday, June 6, Cheri will go into the hospital where she will have surgery. There will be two surgeons in the operating room. One will harvest the vascular tissue from her bad leg (she had a hip replacement in December) and the second surgeon will be tending to her jaw resulting in placing a steel plate where there was once bone. This surgery is estimated to take eight hours.

It is expected that Cheri will be cared for in ICU for the first few days and will have a feeding tube as well as a tracheotomy. Barring complications, Cheri will be home in a week. Arrangements for a visiting nurse are being made while she convalesces at the house. Praise God that the second scan she had shows no cancer in soft tissue, strictly bone.
Cheri's arduous surgery is over. The wait was long but the surgeon said that the preliminary test shows that the tumor was indeed removed and he is very pleased.

Cheri cannot have visitors and flowers cannot be received in the unit she is in. Please continue to pray for Cheri as she recovers from a difficult surgery. Remember to keep Darryl, Garrett, Katie and Adam in your prayers as they too make adjustments.
The most recent news on Cheri is very encouraging. She is breathing on her own this evening. Although she'll remain in ICU throughout the weekend, she's been described as fiesty, alert and looking good.

The doctors are "amazed" and commented that Cheri has been the strongest considering the type of surgery she has just endured. We certainly don't want to undermine what all has happened to our sister in the past 24 hours but we know Cheri would also like to give the glory to the Father for how He alone has held her hand and is walking her through this chapter in her life.

Monday, June 05, 2006

My weekend excitement

First off, I want to thank everyone for their comments on Kaily's story. It really means a lot to me.

Over the weekend I hit 26 weeks (man, do I need a picture to update you on my current size). It is amazing to look at all the new things that are happening with Dorothy this week...

Week Twenty-Six

* Your baby may weigh about two pounds now (average is 1.7 pound, 760gm) and is 14 inches (35.6cm) in length
* To support the fetus's growing body, the spine is getting stronger and more supple. Though no longer than the span of the average adult hand, it is now made up of 150 joints, 33 rings, and some 1,000 ligaments.
* Air sacs in the lungs form now.
* Lungs begin to secrete a greasy substance called surfactant. Without surfactant the fetal lungs would stick together and couldn't expand after the baby is born.
* Although they've been sealed shut for the last few months, your baby's eyes are opening and beginning to blink this week. Depending on ethnicity, some babies will be born with blue or gray-blue eyes (which may change color in the first 6 months of life) and some will be born with brown or dark eyes.
* Retinas begin to form.
* Brain wave activity for hearing and sight begins to be detectable.
* Fetal brain scans show response to touch. If you shine a light on your abdomen, your baby will turn his head, which according to researchers, means his optic nerve is working.

I am so new to this later pergnancy thing, and am surprized by the fact that I will be in my third trimester on Saturday. This baby could actually come home with us and I.... am not ready! To tell you the truth, I have not even THOUGHT about a birthing class (mainly because I have not believed that this whole thing is going to happen). Not that I could get out and go to one anyway. I think I am going to have to settle on watching a video and hope it's not the cheesiest thing I have ever watched. Sarah, got any suggestions? How was the lovely one you watched? Do you recommend or shun?

I also went SHOPPING on Saturday! I went to (at the suggestion of you other wise and experienced bedresters) and got a bunch of stuff, including the sandals that have the ankle tie/wrap thingies!!! That I have been in search of for oh, say, 7 years. I can't wait to get the box. It'll be like Christmas I'm pretty sure. I also got some shirts for the hot weather and a skirt that is cream colored that will match practically every maternity shirt I have. I will have to take a picture of me in a fabulous new outfit. Of course, a couple of the shirts I ordered in Large even though I am medium because I feel that my belly is going to outgrow a lot of my shirts by the end of the summer, so I won't be able to wear them quite yet. Pictures are coming, I promise. As soon as I get off my lazy buns for long enough that David can take some.

Friday, June 02, 2006

It's June

June is bringing lots of thoughts to me, lots of memories, and some new hopes. Last year, on the 15th of June, we lost our first child. I was going to wait to tell her story, but feel the need to tell it now, so I'm going to. You can read on if you wish (there will be some details you may not like).

~Kaily Beth~

I suppose my pregnancy started the same as most first-time (planned) pregnancies. I was excited when I saw that second line! Of course, I knew there was always the possibility of miscarriage for one reason or another, and I did think about it, but not too much. Mostly I was hopeful. We were going to have a baby! There was the normal talk of what life was going to be like, what we were going to change, what labor would be like, and so on. For as long as I could remember I had wanted to be a mommy, and it was finally happening.

The first trimester was challenging as I battled the morning sickness and fatigue. Even into the second trimester I struggled with it, but I kept telling myself that I would forget it all the moment I saw our baby. It was all going to be worth whatever I had to go through. I would do anything for this baby.

Just days before I hit four months I began to have an increase in discharge, so much that I had to wear a pad. It seemed odd to me that so much liquid could be coming out of me, and I was constantly nagged in the back of my mind that it was amniotic fluid. When I called the OB advice line they said it was totally normal as long as there was no blood. I still wonder if I had gone in when I first noticed that something was different, would they have been able to do a rescue cerclage? In reality probably not. If the bag was even torn a little it risks infection, sometimes fatal in the mother.

The morning of June 15 I got up and was reassured that what I was experiencing was normal. There was still no blood, contractions, or pain of any kind. I went to spend the day with my friend and her family. They prayed at lunch thanking God for the life that was growing in me and asking Him to protect it. We spent a good part of the afternoon relaxing by the pool during one of the first warm days of the season before I headed home. Before arriving at home, I made a quick stop at my parents' house to grab something. Their next door neighbor yelled out to me, "hi, there, mommy!" I was glowing inside as I walked to my car in my brand new maternity outfit. Little did I know what was going to take place not even 10 minutes later.

When I got home I went to the bathroom as I had been feeling a bit constipated, but when I pushed I realized that the pressure was coming from the wrong place. I tried to stop it from happening, but no matter what I did the feeling grew stronger. I knew it was over at that point as I felt the sensation of a giant bubble coming out of me. Not knowing if it was the baby's head or the amniotic sac, and not wanting to give birth on a toilet of all places, I pushed it up as well as I could. Shaking and alone, and not knowing what to do, I tried to call David first. Thankfully he walked in the door before I even got finished dialing his number. We called the hospital and they said to come right in, but that I was most likely going to lose the baby.

We got in the car, the sac still bulging like a bubble as I sat on it trying not to break it. I was hoping and praying that our baby would somehow still be alive, that there would be something they could do to fix everything. One thing I will never understand is the ER sign in system. When I arrived there I had to walk up there on my own and stand in a line of people who could have anything from the sniffles to an emergency and wait my turn. I was too in shock at this point to yell out that I needed to be seen right away, so I stood there, my baby trying to come out of me, shaking like a leaf, waiting for 3 people ahead of me to finish checking in.

They were kind enough when I finally got up there (seeing as I was hysterical) to put me in a chair away from everyone and get me checked in and into a room, the whole time trying to assure me that we didn't know for sure that I was going to lose the baby. I knew. She was gone. As we waited in the room it seemed like an eternity until an actual doctor came to see us, but when he finally did he said (after a painful exam where he pushed everything back up) he was sorry, but there was nothing they could do to save the baby. She was already stuck halfway out of my cervix and the best option at that point since I was not in labor and not bleeding was to do a D&C (a surgery to remove the baby and everything else) as there would be less potential problems for me such as hemorrhaging or infection.

We agreed to what they thought was best and I was wheeled to the OR for the procedure (hours after we got to the hospital). I was met by a very gentle woman who said she would be doing my surgery. At that time I was so thankful that the nightmare was going to be over, but my only regret to this day is that I did not ask to see or hold the baby. Maybe they thought she was so small we wouldn't want to see her, but they never asked us if we wanted to, and never asked what we wanted done with her remains. She was treated like medical waste. Evidently, they don't legally have to do anything other than what they did until the baby reaches a certain weight. I still catch myself wondering what she would have looked like, what it would have been like to kiss her little head and say my goodbyes to her, then to give her a place to rest....

The operation went well and I was admitted for the night to recover, but begged to go home and sleep when it was after midnight. I felt so sick and so restless from the anesthesia that I could not bear to be there recovering in the maternity ward. I just wanted my baby back, wanted to be anywhere else in the world. They let me go home, but by the next day I developed a fever and was feeling horrible, so I went back to the dr. to get antibiotics for a uterine infection. At my follow-up appointment we were told that there had been an infection in the sac. One of the drs. (the first one to see me) thought it might be an incompetent cervix. Our follow-up dr. (the one who did my surgery) said she didn't know what it was, so she referred us to our perinatologist. He explained that he didn't think it was likely to be anything other than incompetent cervix because all the classic signs were there. The next pregnancy I would be getting a cerclage at 13 weeks.

We found out she was a girl and decided to use the name Kaily (to rejoice) Beth (house of God). Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and the person she would have been. So many questions in my mind as to why, but here we are. We are all given a road to walk down and this is ours. My only prayer right now (and I know it's a selfish one) is that we get to enjoy all the things with our little Dorothy (gift of God) Grace that we never got to enjoy with Kaily. I want nothing more right now than to kiss those little baby feet, to feel her against my chest, to sing to her, to comfort her when she is sick and to watch her grow. Is this too much to ask? Sometimes I think so....

Artist: Kenny Chesney
Album: The Road And The Radio
Title: Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Today, today, today
Today, today, today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday