In Remembrance

I went to a one-year bible school shortly after high school, and I heard yesterday that the girl that was in the dorm room next to mine lost her son. I don't know exactly when he was born, but he came early... I think about a month ago? His due date would have been on the 10th of May. He was in seemingly perfect health when he passed away suddenly on Sunday. Though I don't know her that well, my heart breaks for them. Please remember their family, losing this sweet little Jacob.

Hopefulness

I'm really working on being hopeful, but I also want to protect myself. It's natural to try to shield one's heart from more pain. However, even the times I pretended (or tried) not to be attached to my babies, the connection was instant. Regardless of my feelings going in to the pregnancy, when it was lost, I still had grief. Due to the spotting and the lack of symptoms, my OB did order blood tests to see where my hormone levels are at... one today and one in 48 hrs. I stopped by dollar tree on my way home to get a urine test because I wanted to prepare myself for the numbers to be astronomically low. In fact, I was already convinced that my at-home test would be a blaring negative. I've already started planning my summer without the thought of being pregnant. Funny how we assume we know things before they happen. Well, the test turned a DARK positive immediately. The test line showed up before the pee even crossed the window. I'm taking it as a sign of hope. For now. Ask me in a few minutes and I might tell you differently. But it is what it is. The test still tells me I'm pregnant, so there's nothing to do but believe that I am. Any prayers for one last miracle baby would be appreciated.

Need some time off!

I get two days off this week, but to be truthful, I just need the whole week! My temp was down a bit this morning, not super far, but the dip back down was really gradual over a few days the last two times, and it was right around where I am now. Honestly, I don't FEEL pregnant at all, which is mostly the reason I think this isn't going anywhere. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself. Maybe I have more reason to hope than I think... but I'm just trying to be realistic. The two times I did make it through the first trimester, I had wickedly sore boobs, constant hunger, constant peeing, you know the drill. Right now I don't really feel anything. But on the flip side, no cramping or spotting today, which *might* be a good sign. Not holding my breath after everything we've gone through, though. Positive pregnancy tests just don't (with one exception) equal take-home babies for us. Can you blame me for being a pessimist?

For now, all I can do is hope.... and kiss my baby girl even more than normal, if that's possible:) She's just too kissable.

The home front

The news is that I tested positive this week... but please no congratulations yet. I spotted a bit today, and have been having quite a bit of cramping, so I'm just assuming that the progesterone supplements are delaying the inevitable. On the off chance that they might be saving a baby, I'm going to continue taking them. My OB is not taking betas (pregnancy hormone levels) so now I have no warning on whether or not I am going to miscarry again. And my first appointment is not until the 14th. The waiting game is so hard...

I'm just praying that this little one makes it, but then again I've begged God before and it hasn't made a difference in the outcome. I wonder why my body won't hold a baby...

Still Waiting

I'm now 5 DPO and counting, as I'm sure all of you are fascinated to know what's going on with my cycle... or not so much. But really, I'm holding my breath for some good news around here. It would sure be about time. Not holding my breath for it, though.

It's been hard for me because so many of my friends are due around the same time that I would have been, and I just keep finding out about more. I don't want to compare myself, but anyone who has been in a similar situation knows how sensitive it can be to see someone who is as far along as you *should* have been, or who has a baby the same age as one yours would have been if you hadn't lost him/her. I experience this in our small group on Monday nights. For the most part, I love going because I get to connect with more people from church. There is a younger couple (about our age) we have become friends with. They had a miscarriage sometime last year, and they are now 13 weeks pregnant. She found out she was pregnant two weeks after my latest miscarriage. I hate myself for comparing, and I try really hard not to. But I find myself dreading group more often than not lately. Every time I go, I am faced with what we lost. Every time I sit and listen to the prayers for their baby, when it seems that people rarely pray for God to give us one. Of course, I would never wish anything bad to happen, and I also pray for the safety of their baby. I truly hope that everything turns out to be better for them than it has for us. They are kind people who will be great parents, without a doubt. In spite of all this, I still find myself crying on the way home a lot of the time. My heart aches. People say that God fills all needs, but there is a hole that will be there all my life, 3 children that I will never see on this earth. True, the hole grows smaller over time, but every once in a while, the rawness of it creeps back in. Having faith doesn't mean we don't get wounded.

All in all, I'm just sick of being in this waiting game; sick of wishing things were different; sick of hiding how I feel. The christian community can be wonderful, but there can also be a lot of judgment. Many people were supportive when they found out about the miscarriages. But now two months later, people seem to forget how hard it can be. I get comments like, "there's something to be said for smiling through the grief." On one level I know it comes from a good heart, and I know that I can't let it swallow me up or turn me into a bitter person. Neither of those things would make my life any easier. But on the other side of it, I feel like I need to let these feelings out, and I don't think I'm a worse person, or have less faith because of it. I don't have time (or opportunity) to release many of these feelings at home, and it all just comes to the surface when I get away from my regular routine (when I'm not being pulled in a million directions). Truth be told, I'm somewhat looking forward to being required to stay in bed if I get pregnant (and stay that way). I haven't had a true rest in months, and I am genuinely tired.

On a lighter note, enjoy some pictures of my latest concoctions, and just imagine the smells if you can!

Warm bran muffins with dates instead of raisins.

For dinner we bring on 15-bean soup slow-cooked on the stovetop with carrots, celery, onions, garlic, and ham hocks.

And on the side we have homemade whole wheat bread sweetened with molasses and brushed with butter.

How could we skip fresh chocolate chip cookies for dessert?

One down...

four to go. Yesterday was my first Clomid dose. Migraine headache last night, but hopefully all we'll need is one month on it. Wish us luck.

Beginnings

This week was the beginning of Spring term. I'm happy to report that my College Algebra class stayed open despite low enrollment. After a couple of people dropped, we ended up with only eight students in class. The gal I was sitting next to said it felt like we were in an expensive private university. With the combination of a small class and an excellent teacher, I have high hopes of doing really well, and also enjoying my time there. This will also be the first math class I am taking in a non-condensed form, and let me tell you there is already a difference. He is able to spend much more time on each topic, which helps with not having to do as many repetitive problems at home.

I also had my appointment with my OB on Monday. We have two options... one is clomid to help me ovulate on a more regular basis, which should also make my luteal phase longer and aid implantation. The other option is to let my body ovulate when it's good and ready and supplement with progesterone from 3 days after ovulation, and up through 10 weeks, should I get pregnant. David and I started our Doxycycline this morning, the antibiotic we have to take for two weeks to treat a possible infection in either of us. I am not thrilled about having to decide between progesterone and Clomid. Somehow I doubt that the clomid would help my progesterone stay high for the whole first trimester, but I don't really know how these things work. All I know is that I would feel more secure taking progesterone the whole first 10 weeks, but I also would like to ovulate sooner than day 19-30, which is my time range. So here we go, and hopefully a live baby this time.

Here are some Dorothy pictures, too. I just love this girl!









And here is sick mommy. I had a low-grade fever and headache all week (from Saturday through Thursday), and now that it's Friday, AF decided to show full-force, which practically puts me to bed every time. Don't I look (not) fabulous?