The news is that I tested positive this week... but please no congratulations yet. I spotted a bit today, and have been having quite a bit of cramping, so I'm just assuming that the progesterone supplements are delaying the inevitable. On the off chance that they might be saving a baby, I'm going to continue taking them. My OB is not taking betas (pregnancy hormone levels) so now I have no warning on whether or not I am going to miscarry again. And my first appointment is not until the 14th. The waiting game is so hard...
I'm just praying that this little one makes it, but then again I've begged God before and it hasn't made a difference in the outcome. I wonder why my body won't hold a baby...
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Still Waiting
I'm now 5 DPO and counting, as I'm sure all of you are fascinated to know what's going on with my cycle... or not so much. But really, I'm holding my breath for some good news around here. It would sure be about time. Not holding my breath for it, though.
It's been hard for me because so many of my friends are due around the same time that I would have been, and I just keep finding out about more. I don't want to compare myself, but anyone who has been in a similar situation knows how sensitive it can be to see someone who is as far along as you *should* have been, or who has a baby the same age as one yours would have been if you hadn't lost him/her. I experience this in our small group on Monday nights. For the most part, I love going because I get to connect with more people from church. There is a younger couple (about our age) we have become friends with. They had a miscarriage sometime last year, and they are now 13 weeks pregnant. She found out she was pregnant two weeks after my latest miscarriage. I hate myself for comparing, and I try really hard not to. But I find myself dreading group more often than not lately. Every time I go, I am faced with what we lost. Every time I sit and listen to the prayers for their baby, when it seems that people rarely pray for God to give us one. Of course, I would never wish anything bad to happen, and I also pray for the safety of their baby. I truly hope that everything turns out to be better for them than it has for us. They are kind people who will be great parents, without a doubt. In spite of all this, I still find myself crying on the way home a lot of the time. My heart aches. People say that God fills all needs, but there is a hole that will be there all my life, 3 children that I will never see on this earth. True, the hole grows smaller over time, but every once in a while, the rawness of it creeps back in. Having faith doesn't mean we don't get wounded.
All in all, I'm just sick of being in this waiting game; sick of wishing things were different; sick of hiding how I feel. The christian community can be wonderful, but there can also be a lot of judgment. Many people were supportive when they found out about the miscarriages. But now two months later, people seem to forget how hard it can be. I get comments like, "there's something to be said for smiling through the grief." On one level I know it comes from a good heart, and I know that I can't let it swallow me up or turn me into a bitter person. Neither of those things would make my life any easier. But on the other side of it, I feel like I need to let these feelings out, and I don't think I'm a worse person, or have less faith because of it. I don't have time (or opportunity) to release many of these feelings at home, and it all just comes to the surface when I get away from my regular routine (when I'm not being pulled in a million directions). Truth be told, I'm somewhat looking forward to being required to stay in bed if I get pregnant (and stay that way). I haven't had a true rest in months, and I am genuinely tired.
On a lighter note, enjoy some pictures of my latest concoctions, and just imagine the smells if you can!
It's been hard for me because so many of my friends are due around the same time that I would have been, and I just keep finding out about more. I don't want to compare myself, but anyone who has been in a similar situation knows how sensitive it can be to see someone who is as far along as you *should* have been, or who has a baby the same age as one yours would have been if you hadn't lost him/her. I experience this in our small group on Monday nights. For the most part, I love going because I get to connect with more people from church. There is a younger couple (about our age) we have become friends with. They had a miscarriage sometime last year, and they are now 13 weeks pregnant. She found out she was pregnant two weeks after my latest miscarriage. I hate myself for comparing, and I try really hard not to. But I find myself dreading group more often than not lately. Every time I go, I am faced with what we lost. Every time I sit and listen to the prayers for their baby, when it seems that people rarely pray for God to give us one. Of course, I would never wish anything bad to happen, and I also pray for the safety of their baby. I truly hope that everything turns out to be better for them than it has for us. They are kind people who will be great parents, without a doubt. In spite of all this, I still find myself crying on the way home a lot of the time. My heart aches. People say that God fills all needs, but there is a hole that will be there all my life, 3 children that I will never see on this earth. True, the hole grows smaller over time, but every once in a while, the rawness of it creeps back in. Having faith doesn't mean we don't get wounded.
All in all, I'm just sick of being in this waiting game; sick of wishing things were different; sick of hiding how I feel. The christian community can be wonderful, but there can also be a lot of judgment. Many people were supportive when they found out about the miscarriages. But now two months later, people seem to forget how hard it can be. I get comments like, "there's something to be said for smiling through the grief." On one level I know it comes from a good heart, and I know that I can't let it swallow me up or turn me into a bitter person. Neither of those things would make my life any easier. But on the other side of it, I feel like I need to let these feelings out, and I don't think I'm a worse person, or have less faith because of it. I don't have time (or opportunity) to release many of these feelings at home, and it all just comes to the surface when I get away from my regular routine (when I'm not being pulled in a million directions). Truth be told, I'm somewhat looking forward to being required to stay in bed if I get pregnant (and stay that way). I haven't had a true rest in months, and I am genuinely tired.
On a lighter note, enjoy some pictures of my latest concoctions, and just imagine the smells if you can!
Warm bran muffins with dates instead of raisins.
For dinner we bring on 15-bean soup slow-cooked on the stovetop with carrots, celery, onions, garlic, and ham hocks.
And on the side we have homemade whole wheat bread sweetened with molasses and brushed with butter.
How could we skip fresh chocolate chip cookies for dessert?
Monday, April 07, 2008
One down...
four to go. Yesterday was my first Clomid dose. Migraine headache last night, but hopefully all we'll need is one month on it. Wish us luck.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Beginnings
This week was the beginning of Spring term. I'm happy to report that my College Algebra class stayed open despite low enrollment. After a couple of people dropped, we ended up with only eight students in class. The gal I was sitting next to said it felt like we were in an expensive private university. With the combination of a small class and an excellent teacher, I have high hopes of doing really well, and also enjoying my time there. This will also be the first math class I am taking in a non-condensed form, and let me tell you there is already a difference. He is able to spend much more time on each topic, which helps with not having to do as many repetitive problems at home.
I also had my appointment with my OB on Monday. We have two options... one is clomid to help me ovulate on a more regular basis, which should also make my luteal phase longer and aid implantation. The other option is to let my body ovulate when it's good and ready and supplement with progesterone from 3 days after ovulation, and up through 10 weeks, should I get pregnant. David and I started our Doxycycline this morning, the antibiotic we have to take for two weeks to treat a possible infection in either of us. I am not thrilled about having to decide between progesterone and Clomid. Somehow I doubt that the clomid would help my progesterone stay high for the whole first trimester, but I don't really know how these things work. All I know is that I would feel more secure taking progesterone the whole first 10 weeks, but I also would like to ovulate sooner than day 19-30, which is my time range. So here we go, and hopefully a live baby this time.
Here are some Dorothy pictures, too. I just love this girl!
And here is sick mommy. I had a low-grade fever and headache all week (from Saturday through Thursday), and now that it's Friday, AF decided to show full-force, which practically puts me to bed every time. Don't I look (not) fabulous?
I also had my appointment with my OB on Monday. We have two options... one is clomid to help me ovulate on a more regular basis, which should also make my luteal phase longer and aid implantation. The other option is to let my body ovulate when it's good and ready and supplement with progesterone from 3 days after ovulation, and up through 10 weeks, should I get pregnant. David and I started our Doxycycline this morning, the antibiotic we have to take for two weeks to treat a possible infection in either of us. I am not thrilled about having to decide between progesterone and Clomid. Somehow I doubt that the clomid would help my progesterone stay high for the whole first trimester, but I don't really know how these things work. All I know is that I would feel more secure taking progesterone the whole first 10 weeks, but I also would like to ovulate sooner than day 19-30, which is my time range. So here we go, and hopefully a live baby this time.
Here are some Dorothy pictures, too. I just love this girl!
And here is sick mommy. I had a low-grade fever and headache all week (from Saturday through Thursday), and now that it's Friday, AF decided to show full-force, which practically puts me to bed every time. Don't I look (not) fabulous?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Inspiration
Blair posted this on her blog a while ago, and I just have to share it with you. I was inspired... hope you will be, too!
TED talk with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
TED talk with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
A Quiet Moment...
Down time is something almost unheard of in this household. With a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old, and my own 18-month-old, things can get a little hectic. "Spring Break" is this week, and I put that in quotes because my duties with the kids continue. My lovely mother comes over every Tuesday to rescue my sanity for a few hours. I look forward to the break, as it's usually my only one. Ahh, and today is Tuesday.
To be honest, I have been down off and on since the miscarriages, and I go back and forth about whether to subject my body (and my emotions) to more upheaval. Sometimes I am alright with not trying again, and possibly adopting in the future (be it near or far). All those feelings change when I walk into church and hear my friend talking to someone about her recent 8-week ultrasound, complete with healthy baby and strong heartbeat. That should have been us... twice. It cuts to the core. In times like those, I know I must try one more time. But when is enough enough?
I know now that my calling is first and foremost to be Dorothy's mommy and my hubby's wife. However, beyond those things, I am supposed to help people... more specifically, people with babies. I am weighing my options at this point, and have decided that if I pursue the nursing degree, my hope is to earn my Nurse-Midwife certification as well. But something I have been considering since I was pregnant with Dorothy is med school. It took me months to tell David about it. After all, we have a child and I know residency is hell. I also know God has given me gifts and He wants me to use them, one of them being my mind. Whether I go into nursing school or medical school, I know those gifts will be used. I'm leaning more toward midwifery, but honestly, I would like to see both in action before I decide which one to pursue. Mainly, I need to see what the differences are in order to find out which would suit my personality. Family comes into play, too. Is the time sacrifice going to be worth it? How hard am I willing to fight to get in? Will we have to relocate?
My classes are going well so far. Grades were posted yesterday, and I have maintained my 4.0. Next term I will be taking college algebra and Psychology 215 (developmental psych). That is, if my math class stays open. Enrollment is low at this point, so I'm hoping a few more people register... I think we only need 4 more.
That's life in a nutshell right now. My next OB appointment is on the 31st, and I'm pretty sure we'll be cleared to try again at that point, if we're ready. We shall see.
To be honest, I have been down off and on since the miscarriages, and I go back and forth about whether to subject my body (and my emotions) to more upheaval. Sometimes I am alright with not trying again, and possibly adopting in the future (be it near or far). All those feelings change when I walk into church and hear my friend talking to someone about her recent 8-week ultrasound, complete with healthy baby and strong heartbeat. That should have been us... twice. It cuts to the core. In times like those, I know I must try one more time. But when is enough enough?
I know now that my calling is first and foremost to be Dorothy's mommy and my hubby's wife. However, beyond those things, I am supposed to help people... more specifically, people with babies. I am weighing my options at this point, and have decided that if I pursue the nursing degree, my hope is to earn my Nurse-Midwife certification as well. But something I have been considering since I was pregnant with Dorothy is med school. It took me months to tell David about it. After all, we have a child and I know residency is hell. I also know God has given me gifts and He wants me to use them, one of them being my mind. Whether I go into nursing school or medical school, I know those gifts will be used. I'm leaning more toward midwifery, but honestly, I would like to see both in action before I decide which one to pursue. Mainly, I need to see what the differences are in order to find out which would suit my personality. Family comes into play, too. Is the time sacrifice going to be worth it? How hard am I willing to fight to get in? Will we have to relocate?
My classes are going well so far. Grades were posted yesterday, and I have maintained my 4.0. Next term I will be taking college algebra and Psychology 215 (developmental psych). That is, if my math class stays open. Enrollment is low at this point, so I'm hoping a few more people register... I think we only need 4 more.
That's life in a nutshell right now. My next OB appointment is on the 31st, and I'm pretty sure we'll be cleared to try again at that point, if we're ready. We shall see.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Not Technically Tagged....
But it seemed like an easy enough meme to do:) Catherine had this on her site.
The rules are simple. Look up from the computer, look around the room where you're sitting and pick up the closest book. And closest really means closest. No cheating by running upstairs to unearth your pink-highlighted college copy of The Critique of Pure Reason or the Prolegomena. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.
Well, there are 3 books nearest me: my LB Brief Writing Handbook. Blah. My Elementary and Intermediate Algebra Textbook. Double blah. And my writing textbook called The Writer's Presence. I'll go with that one, since there are at least stories in that one!
On Pg 123 the story is "A Clack of Tiny Sparks" by Bernard Cooper
"He was 'all wound up,' as my mother put it."
The rules are simple. Look up from the computer, look around the room where you're sitting and pick up the closest book. And closest really means closest. No cheating by running upstairs to unearth your pink-highlighted college copy of The Critique of Pure Reason or the Prolegomena. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences.
Well, there are 3 books nearest me: my LB Brief Writing Handbook. Blah. My Elementary and Intermediate Algebra Textbook. Double blah. And my writing textbook called The Writer's Presence. I'll go with that one, since there are at least stories in that one!
On Pg 123 the story is "A Clack of Tiny Sparks" by Bernard Cooper
"He was 'all wound up,' as my mother put it."
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