Monday, April 02, 2007

How things change

This time last year I had just started my blog. I was laying on the couch hoping and praying that I would hold my baby at the end of this trial instead of saying goodbye to another child. And here we are today. I get to hold and cuddle my baby when she's sick... something I only dreamed about our first baby. Knowing that she needs me and wants me is a wonderful feeling. Knowing that David and I will (hopefully) be the ones she runs to in joy or trouble is a comfort.

I think of that remembering the day I lost Kaily. When I was sitting there and all of a sudden she started coming down. Besides David, I couldn't think of anyone to call but my mom. And now I am that person for someone else. I wonder what lies in my daughter's future and hope that loss doesn't touch her like it has me. But in my heart I know... loss is a part of everyone's life. We are all touched by it sooner or later.

There is a part of me that will never be the same as it was before Kaily. I don't think that's all a bad thing. But there are parts of me I want back. In reality they're not coming back. It's like there's a new me that I have to learn about. And having Dorothy here doesn't take that away. I find myself in a bind when asked if Dorothy is my first. I say yes, but inside I mean no. Because I knew my first daughter even if nobody else did.

I still think of her every day. Not appreciating my living daughter any less, but in wishing I knew her in the same way I know Dorothy. Someday I hope I will.


niobe said...

There is a part of me that will never be the same as it was before Kaily. I don't think that's all a bad thing. But there are parts of me I want back. In reality they're not coming back.

I feel the same way. Since I lost my twins (one stillborn, the other dying shortly after birth), I often feel a kind of blankness inside where my feelings used to be.

I wish I could go back to the naive, happy days when pregnancy = baby and planned to be choosing a crib, not a gravestone. But, as you say, that part of me has vanished as completely as my babies.

purple_kangaroo said...


my4kids said...

As parents wether we lose a child or have all of them their is a part of you that will never be the same and the change is different for all of us depending on our situations. I was a very different parent with Joshua then Izzak because of everything that happened when he was born. I feel I was a great parent to Izzak but I had a whole new appreciation for my boys after realizing I could have lost one.
You are a good mom though and will have a lot of fun watching Dorothy grow up and I don't think you should forget about Kaily either what you tell people about wether Dorothy is your first or not has to be what is comfortable for you. If it doesn't feel right to say she is then don't.
I am happy to know you and happy that David found such a good wife.

Lori Rode said...

I was just thinking of Kaily and you this weekend, wondering if you were thinking of her. Hugs to you and yours. (BTW, you are looking fabulous!)

Becca said...

That was said perfectly. My life has changed because of my losses. My tiny children who never took a breath have altered my life so completely. I love the daughter I'm growing now. I can't wait to be her mom, to experience all the things you talk about and the things you look forward to. That doesn't mean I forget the ones that came before her. Kaily will always be a part of your life, and a part of Dorothy's, too, whether or not she knows.
Anyway, thanks for the beautiful post. Thinking of you, and Kaily, and Dorothy, too.

The Princess said...

I don't think any woman is the same after they experience the loss of a pregnancy and child. Instead we view the world through different lenses and without being so I wish I could be naive!!