Update, Update.....

It has been a few days since I made an entry, so this could be a long entry, depending on how lazy I am feeling. I'll start with the facts from our appointment on Thursday. Everything was still looking stable, so I was approved for 3 outings for the week (decided on sitting up during church, registering at Babies R Us and going out to lunch today). Dr. F also said to start gradually increasing my "up time" at home. At first this means more sitting mainly, but I have been getting my own breakfast and lunch since it doesn't take a lot of effort. And guess what??? An official date has been set for my cerclage removal! Tuesday, August 22 at 9 AM. I will be 37w3d at that point, so a bit farther along than I was thinking, but of course the longer she can stay in my womb, the better off she will be. So in 6 weeks I will be like a normal preggo waiting for labor to happen. He said if it looked like I was in labor before that or if my water broke, naturally they would remove it earlier, but that is the plan for right now. It feels amazingly good to have an official end in sight, as well as feeling unreal.

So my first outing was going to Babies R Us with David's sister. I was excited to get out and have my first outing that involved more than just sitting there. After taking a double dose of my contraction medication I was pretty confident that it would go well. And it did. For the first hour or so. We got there and got me all signed up and armed with the "gun" to pick all the cute stuff I could think of. Before setting off on my adventure, I mentioned to the customer service lady that I had been on bedrest for a little over 4 months. She said to really pace myself because they had women pass out and/or go into labor in the store, and being on bedrest I would be more at risk for that. I told her I would take it easy, and to be honest I thought I did. We meandered around the store, and I was careful to walk slowly and enjoy my time. I never got to finish the registry because after an hour I had to stop. All of a sudden I was going to pass out! The room started to go dark and I couldn't hear a thing because my ears were humming. I thought I would puke all over the floor. As soon as I found a chair I sat down and a few minutes later I was "fine" but I was done. I still felt off for the rest of the night, and I was so worried that I had done something to hurt the baby. Obviously I didn't realize how much my body has been affected by the bedrest for months on end! From now on I think I will use a wheelchair for outings like that and work on getting back in shape after the delivery. And I think I will finish my registry online! I did register for some cute things, so it wasn't a total flop.

Yesterday we headed to my parents' house to eat and my brother and his family were over. Since it was so hot my dad got out the sprinkler for the girls, so we got quite a few pictures of my nieces playing in the water. Here's one:



I also got a good picture of David's sister with Simon:



It was nice to actually sit up in church yesterday, though the heat was a bit too much for me to take. The message was on God's supremacy in creating each of us. It was mentioned that He numbers each day for each person. I think I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around that because of babies that don't make it. I know that each person dies at some point and some just die sooner than others, but I, along with a lot of people, put babies and children in this other category. The "untouchable" category. Why create a person who only lives in the womb? I also know that I (obviously NOT being God) don't understand much of anything. I probably don't even have the right to ask "why" but yet I do because somehow it helps me, just as it helps me to eventually stop the asking because I know I will never find the answer here. Some things are just not going to make sense.

One of the songs that we sang yesterday (rather, everyone else sang and I listened to) was the song that we sang in church on Father's Day last year, just days after losing Kaily...

He Knows My Name (I Have A Maker)
Tommy Walker

Verse 1:
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

Chorus:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

Verse 2:
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

It was so hard for me to hear those words when our baby was no longer with us. If this song was true, her life had been in His hands and He had taken her from us. Not often did I think of where I believe she was taken TO. Not often did I think of how amazing her life must be now compared to what it would have been here. But what of us? What of our family? I don't struggle as much today with the fact that she is gone, and I think mainly because I see her death as the reason that Dorothy is with us. If Kaily had not died first, Dorothy would have because my body would have done the same thing to her. But what of situations where it seems so senseless? What of cord accidents and placental abruption and things of that nature? I can search for answers and ask every question under the sun but still come up with nothing. So I am faced with a challenge in my faith. Do I keep believing or not? Do I trust that God does know my every thought and have each life in His hands, no matter how short (or long)? For me the answer is: I have to. That's my choice. And hopefully the peace will come when I need it, and keep me believing even when I don't know how.

He knows my name...