Monday, July 10, 2006

Update, Update.....

It has been a few days since I made an entry, so this could be a long entry, depending on how lazy I am feeling. I'll start with the facts from our appointment on Thursday. Everything was still looking stable, so I was approved for 3 outings for the week (decided on sitting up during church, registering at Babies R Us and going out to lunch today). Dr. F also said to start gradually increasing my "up time" at home. At first this means more sitting mainly, but I have been getting my own breakfast and lunch since it doesn't take a lot of effort. And guess what??? An official date has been set for my cerclage removal! Tuesday, August 22 at 9 AM. I will be 37w3d at that point, so a bit farther along than I was thinking, but of course the longer she can stay in my womb, the better off she will be. So in 6 weeks I will be like a normal preggo waiting for labor to happen. He said if it looked like I was in labor before that or if my water broke, naturally they would remove it earlier, but that is the plan for right now. It feels amazingly good to have an official end in sight, as well as feeling unreal.

So my first outing was going to Babies R Us with David's sister. I was excited to get out and have my first outing that involved more than just sitting there. After taking a double dose of my contraction medication I was pretty confident that it would go well. And it did. For the first hour or so. We got there and got me all signed up and armed with the "gun" to pick all the cute stuff I could think of. Before setting off on my adventure, I mentioned to the customer service lady that I had been on bedrest for a little over 4 months. She said to really pace myself because they had women pass out and/or go into labor in the store, and being on bedrest I would be more at risk for that. I told her I would take it easy, and to be honest I thought I did. We meandered around the store, and I was careful to walk slowly and enjoy my time. I never got to finish the registry because after an hour I had to stop. All of a sudden I was going to pass out! The room started to go dark and I couldn't hear a thing because my ears were humming. I thought I would puke all over the floor. As soon as I found a chair I sat down and a few minutes later I was "fine" but I was done. I still felt off for the rest of the night, and I was so worried that I had done something to hurt the baby. Obviously I didn't realize how much my body has been affected by the bedrest for months on end! From now on I think I will use a wheelchair for outings like that and work on getting back in shape after the delivery. And I think I will finish my registry online! I did register for some cute things, so it wasn't a total flop.

Yesterday we headed to my parents' house to eat and my brother and his family were over. Since it was so hot my dad got out the sprinkler for the girls, so we got quite a few pictures of my nieces playing in the water. Here's one:



I also got a good picture of David's sister with Simon:



It was nice to actually sit up in church yesterday, though the heat was a bit too much for me to take. The message was on God's supremacy in creating each of us. It was mentioned that He numbers each day for each person. I think I still have a difficult time wrapping my mind around that because of babies that don't make it. I know that each person dies at some point and some just die sooner than others, but I, along with a lot of people, put babies and children in this other category. The "untouchable" category. Why create a person who only lives in the womb? I also know that I (obviously NOT being God) don't understand much of anything. I probably don't even have the right to ask "why" but yet I do because somehow it helps me, just as it helps me to eventually stop the asking because I know I will never find the answer here. Some things are just not going to make sense.

One of the songs that we sang yesterday (rather, everyone else sang and I listened to) was the song that we sang in church on Father's Day last year, just days after losing Kaily...

He Knows My Name (I Have A Maker)
Tommy Walker

Verse 1:
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

Chorus:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

Verse 2:
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

It was so hard for me to hear those words when our baby was no longer with us. If this song was true, her life had been in His hands and He had taken her from us. Not often did I think of where I believe she was taken TO. Not often did I think of how amazing her life must be now compared to what it would have been here. But what of us? What of our family? I don't struggle as much today with the fact that she is gone, and I think mainly because I see her death as the reason that Dorothy is with us. If Kaily had not died first, Dorothy would have because my body would have done the same thing to her. But what of situations where it seems so senseless? What of cord accidents and placental abruption and things of that nature? I can search for answers and ask every question under the sun but still come up with nothing. So I am faced with a challenge in my faith. Do I keep believing or not? Do I trust that God does know my every thought and have each life in His hands, no matter how short (or long)? For me the answer is: I have to. That's my choice. And hopefully the peace will come when I need it, and keep me believing even when I don't know how.

He knows my name...

16 comments:

KMW said...

It's ironic, right? We spend all this time in bed only to have no energy when it's okay to go out. I found myself saying that I just needed to get BACK to the couch the other day, I was so tired by an outing. Congrats on teh freedom, and congrats on setting a date for cerclage removal!!

David said...

Becci, you helped me figure out why that song made me so emotional at church yesterday. I forgot about father's day last year, and I still don't remember singing that song on that day.

I thought it was just the words, and it made me think of both Kaily and Dorothy. The emotions caught me off guard, and I have a feeling I am doomed whenever I hear...or try to sing...that song again.

Melissa said...

Congrats on the date for you cerclage removal. It sounds like you'll be getting yours out just as I'm getting mine in, LOL.

I too, have questioned my faith, lately, just as you have. I choose to continue to believe that He knows what He's doing, whether I understand it or not. If He wanted us to understand, I believe that we would.

Good luck on future outings...I hope your energy comes back, bit by bit!

Meri-ann said...

Well done on getting out and about a bit, but make sure you take it easy!
I met a Christian lady yesterday who is at such peace with losing her baby because she knows that God took her for a reason, and I envy this lady her faith and the comfort she takes from it. I don't get comfort that God has taken 4 beautiful, perfect babies for me, I think I'm still too angry......

Emmakirst said...

Congrats on an official date set for the removal, it must be such a huge relief. I can only imagine how much of a toll bedrest has taken on your body. Take care. :)

miraclebaby said...

oh believe me Meri-Ann, I was VERY angry for months. Not to say that I am completely at peace even now, but I am getting there I guess. It's normal to have anger when you lose something so precious....

purple_kangaroo said...

Beautiful post.

Lola Badeggs said...

Why wouldn't we have a right to ask 'Why?' of God? If one believes that we are creations of God adn that all God's creation has a purpose, then there must be a purpose to our being able to question God.

Anyway, great post, and thanks for making me think. Hope the next 6 weeks fly by for you!

soralis said...

I was worried when you started talking about babies-r-us. I was on light bed rest with my twins and I could barely spend a 1/2 hour in a store. I am so glad you are ok. I found after my bed rest it was a bit of a long recovery post delivery so I am glad that you are able to get up a little now.

God and sick children/loss of children/not able to have children always confuse me... I have come to think that maybe he doesn't control what happens but instead is there for us to help us through what happens???? I don't know but that is the thought that gets me through the confusion some times.

Take care and wishing you a long PG!!

Heidi said...

I found your blog through another blog and I found myself reading your entire story. I first read this post and I was caught by the song, He Knows My Name. I am so sorry that your first baby is not here with you, but I am confident she is much happier with God. Easy for me to say, I know, but I mainly just wanted you to know that I was touched by your blog. I will be praying for you and the rest of your pregnancy!
Sincerely,
Heidi from Southern California

Amity said...

I agree, you have to believe that He has a plan for everyone. Without that faith I think I would have been even more lost after losing Kate and my little blip after her. I admit that at first I was so hurt and angry that I had a hard time. But after a little time, meditation and eventually prayer I got there. I like to imagine that both of my babies watch over my boys and Brandon and I.

Tonya said...

Becci I'm so glad you have a date set now!! Now you have something to reach for. How exciting you get to do more now but take it easy as best you can.. dont want anymore incidents like you had and you can get back into shape after Dorothy comes!!

Shawn Marie said...

I am so happy that you got to get out! Yay on the progress! It is overwhelming to registar at Babies R Us! I did mine on the web!

It is hard to understand God's plan for all our lives. We have to have the faith in HIM that HE can see the whole picture. And we can't. It was not until last year that I gained real peace for the loss of my Brandon Scott in 1991. I always knew God had my best interest at heart and I had faith to believe in HIM and HIS will. It was very hard to try and understand and the grief took me over on most days. But during my pregnancy with Caylan and my 30th birthday last year I looked back at the paths I had been down and realized that God even 15 years ago through that horrible event of loosing my first born son, had my best interest at heart. And I realize that if I had not have lost Brandon that I would not have Caylan. I would have had my tubes tied after my third was born. I could not have EVER imagined my life without this lil girl. And even through the pain that I suffered for so many years, God knew what was ahead. That HE had a miracle waiting for me.

We have to realize that God never promised that we would not face trials and heartaches but He did promise us hope for tomorrow through HIS son Jesus Christ.

When you hold Dorothy in your arms you will start healing more and more everyday from your loss of Kaily. Not that you will ever forget but you will feel more at peace than you do now.

(((((HUGS)))))) and love to you! I hope this made sense.

Emmakirst said...

How are things? Just checking in on you and Dorothy. Take care.

Jill said...

Wow, I really can relate to what you wrote about the challenge to your faith. I think that accepting that we will never have many of the answers that our hearts seek concerning why God allows babies to die and yet continuing to choose to trust God anyway is the essence of faith. For me, also, the answer to "do I keep believing or not?" was that I have to; for me, the other road would only lead to bitterness and darkness.

I hope that your newfound freedom from bedrest will go well and that you will be able to enjoy getting out of the house more.

miraclebaby said...

Jill, what you said is true about the bitterness being the only other option. I feel the same way.

I am writing a new entry right now for all of you that are wondering where I have been....