Friday, May 12, 2006

Mother's Day

This year I don't know how to approach Mother's Day. Of course we are going to do something with or for our mothers, but how do you celebrate Mother's Day when your first child is in Heaven, the other one is still in your womb and the future is still uncertain? Last Mother's Day I was still pregnant and blissfully ignorant. That is the awful thing about Incompetent Cervix, it strikes so suddenly and most women have to go through losing a child before it is diagnosed. Amy and Sarah are blessed that it was caught before they had to experience that kind of loss, thank God they are both enjoying their sons today! Happy Mother's day to both of you! Melissa and KMW both had to experience what it is to lose your first child (in KMW's case, twins), and I would be surprised if they are not feeling the same way about Mother's Day that I am.

Is it right to celebrate being a mother when your child is not living? How do we memorialize our children and acknowledge the fact that we are, in fact, mothers when society does not recognize that we are? And it is a mixed bag of emotions as well because Mother's Day is not a happy day for those who have lost their children. I think we can still celebrate the fact that a child was created within us and I believe we will see those children someday. So even though it is a sad and confusing time, Melissa and KMW, I wish you peace on Mother's Day and an assurance that you are mothers even if others are too uncomfortable with the subject to bring it up. For me, it hurts more when it is brushed aside or when I hear comments like, "oh, you'll understand this or that when you are a mom." The truth is, I am. Two children have lived and grown in my body, two children have been loved by me more than I thought I could love, and regardless of whether I see them on earth, nothing can change the fact that I am their mother.

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baby belly at 22w4d 5/10/06
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There has been a discussion about the whole Mother's Day thing on the IC support board as many women are mourning the fact that not only have they lost their children, but people in their lives flat out refuse to acknowledge that they are mothers. One woman had a family member say to her that this year she could finally celebrate Mother's Day because she was actually a mother. This poor woman had two stillbirths prior to her first living child and nobody was even willing to admit that she was a mother until she was holding a living child. There is story after story like this, and it makes me so angry. I have not had this experience (for the most part) and for that I am thankful. One of the women on the support board posted this poem.

What Makes A Mother

Written by Jennifer Wasik

In memory of Zachery Wasik.


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

There are countless others that I could mention here who have lost one or multiple children at various stages in pregnancy or after birth. There is no way I could list them all here, but I wish and pray the same for all of you....

So to all of you women out there who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or the loss of a child later in childhood, know that I am thinking of you on Mother's Day. I know that even if you have other children with you, you will never forget the little ones who touched you for that brief time.

To all of you who have your children in your arms, enjoy your gift and always hold them close.

Happy Mother's Day.

19 comments:

Krystal said...

I've been wondering the same thing. Should I actually celebrate Mother's Day? Will anyone else acknowledge that I'm a mommy even though I haven't given birth to a child? Well, I suppose I did, but not in the manner everyone is accustomed to. :(

However, the fact remains that regardless of anyone else's perception of the whole thing... we ARE mothers, Becci. We love our children, both those who have passed on as well as those currently residing in our wombs.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!!!

Emmakirst said...

Waht a beautiful poem and you ARE a Mother! Happy Mother's Day!

Tonya said...

I agree with the others, If you have lost a child or have a living child or pregnant with a child you ARE a mother :) That was a beautiful poem.. that touched me very much!! Happy Mothers Day to all of you!!

Tonya said...

Oh and one more thing I forgot.. You are looking GREAT Becci!!! *hugs*

Keeterjen said...

Despite the fact that a large portion of society does not accept that a baby is a human being until it breathes air, there are still people out there, us included, that recognize that life is life, no matter what stage it is at.

We are mothers and we should celebrate that. Our babies are not with us now physically, but they are with us. There's no reason we should celebrate our day! And don't forget Dad's day in June!

KMW said...

becci, your post brought tears to my eyes remembering the night we lost our baby girls. Mother's Day is complicated for sure. I AM feeling a mixture of all of those emotions,you articulated them so well. You look great!

Anonymous said...

Becci, I haven't commented on your blog before, but I have become a regular reader. I totally relate to the pain and confusion that comes with Mothers Day. Some of my worst were before I was a mother in the world's eyes. I think the best way to approach it is honestly, with a tear in your eye for the baby in heaven, hope and prayers in your heart for the baby inside of you, and smiles for the joy of having a mother who loves you. Diane

Maggie said...

Becci - You are most definitely a mom! I don't know why our society doesn't always see it. Maybe people are so caught up in everything else in life that they don't think that bonding happens until birth. Boy are they wrong! Those days before Sarah was born (between PROM and her birth), I suddenly felt like a mother. Maybe things were going by so quick before that I really didn't think about it. She and I bonded SO much in those 10 days. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling praying for your little one definitely facilitates that process. I'm sure you feel the same way as you are on bedrest. It's almost embarrassing to me to look at how I felt pre bedrest vs how I felt after my PROM experience. I was so caught up with everything else that I didn't really think of the miracle of pregnancy. Now when I see friends caught up in tons of other things while preggo, I just want to grab them and say 'don't you know how special these times are - don't take them for granted'. Okay - enough of my soapbox today...sorry to blab on and on.

Maggie said...

Like Tonya - I forgot to say - you look so cute!!!!

Melissa said...

Thank you so much, Becci! Happy Mother's Day to you too and I hope you get to do something (safe) and special.
The poem was really beautiful!

Elizabeth said...

I was having a hard time figuring out if I am a mom still since my son is in heaven now. Then, I thought if he knew I was doubting being a mom, he would be so sad. I am a mom. I am a mom to an angel baby and a belly baby.

Thanks for the great poem! Happy Mother's Day!

purple_kangaroo said...

Beautiful post. Yes, you are a mother!

You look great, too.

Becky said...

Hi Becci! I enjoyed your post. It encouraged me.
Happy Mother's Day!

Maggie said...

Becci - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

miraclebaby said...

Thank you!!! You too!

purple_kangaroo said...

Happy mother's day!

Anonymous said...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, BECCI! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

LOVE, MOM AND DAD

Tonya said...

wishes becci would make a new post sometime soon so I can stop worrying about her.. lol

Lizze said...

I think the poem you posted says it best. What makes us mothers is not the fact that our child(ren) are physcially with us. What makes us mothers is that we were willing and did sacrifice for them from the beginning. Our love, our sacrifice, our hearts and souls is what makes us mothers. *hugs*