More good news!

I had another ultrasound yesterday, followed by a midwife appointment in the afternoon. The baby measured 7w2d and heartbeat was strong at 144 bpm. I'm still having digestive issues, and the midwife thought it might be due to the progesterone I'm taking. I should be getting off of that around 10 weeks, so hopefully that will bring some relief. Until then, I'll have to take the occasional suppository, eat my fiber one cereal, and drink more. Drinking anything is hard right now, but I find that the fruity herbal teas are mild enough on my stomach if I sip them. Broth is also something that has been settling alright, as well as popcicles. I'll be glad to be out of the first trimester... my body is not treating me well, but a baby at the end makes all of it worthwhile.

Didn't want to leave you hanging...

We have a heartbeat of 115 bpm. Itty baby measured 5w6d, which is within a few days of when I thought I ovulated. By my calculations I was 6w 1-2d. I'll go in for a more accurate look on the hospital ultrasound next Monday, and have my first OB appointment next Tuesday. Hopefully bean decides to stick good this time.

Thanks for checking on me, KMW!

Hi!

*wave*
Did everyone have a good day in the sun? We have had record-breaking heat the past two days, and normally I would be out in the sun... but yesterday I was so nauseated I didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch and today I had psych class from 9-5:50. The moments I did step outside, though, were lovely. Nothing like the sun to put a bounce in my step. I'm looking forward to the summer regardless of what news comes on Monday. Still nauseated, still slightly spotting, and still trying to be hopeful.

Class was interesting today. We learned about the development of the human brain from conception through the first year, and it was really fascinating. The DVD had examples of a preemie's brain development and how it differs from a full-term baby's development, as well as a lot of other interesting factoids that I'm too tired to write about. But really, the human brain is amazing, and learning how complex just that one aspect of development is, it's a wonder that we understand anything about how people develop as a whole. There are so many kinds of development that I've never really thought about before. Being in school is great! I can't get enough of it.

The highlight of my day was definitely my little girl. Dorothy was so excited to see me when I came home after being gone all day. She sat on my lap while I ate my nachos and got so enthralled with watching me eat them that she started picking the chips up one at a time and saying, "Open de mouf! Mmmm, nummy! Gee-go (there you go)!" She was putting them in my mouth one after the other as fast as she could, and by the time I was halfway done eating them, we were both covered in refried beans and guacamole. I was laughing so hard I could hardly chew. I live for moments like this. Her little personality is so lively and at 20 months she's talking in more and more sentences. She throws in some nonsense words as filler, but she's really learning how to put words together to get across what she wants to say. She LOVES her alphabet... books about it, songs, having me write it out, or even just saying random letters. If she sees writing on anything, she says "A-bee-seeb (abc's)!" Her favorite letter varies from week to week. This week it seems to be H, but Q and W are always high on the list as well. I'll have to take some more pictures pretty soon!

Monday is far away.

I'm still feeling awful (read: nauseated in spite of zofran), so much so that I'm more than overwhelmed with all the things I have to keep up with. Seems like a positive sign, but I've also been having spotting for 3 days now. I had some spotting with Dorothy, but it was spread out and sporadic. This spotting seems to be getting more regular, and I have to wait until my next ultrasound on Monday to know whether the baby has a heartbeat or not. I have class from 9-5:50 tomorrow and I'm dreading the fact that I might start miscarrying in the middle of it. After everything we've been through in the last few months, I am far from optimistic about this pregnancy. I don't know if the spotting could be from the cyst bursting, or if it is just normal pregnancy stuff. Unfortunately, I am having a bit of cramping now. If I had a backbone, I would ask for a few more days off to relax and see if it helped. But I keep going trying to keep my patience up when I don't have any. All I want to know at this point is whether or not the baby is ok and then go from there. 3 days is an eternity when you're waiting for an answer....

Time for an update

Whew... we had quite the weekend. I woke up at about 6:30 am on Mother's Day, promptly went to the restroom and noticed that the longer I was in there, the more intense my pain was becoming. I have had ovarian cysts before, and it felt very similar, so I laid back down to see if it would pass. It didn't. The pain kept getting worse, and I told David, "I think we need to go to the hospital." As I was trying to get ready to go, I was going upstairs to get something and began to pass out on the stairs, breaking the handrail on the way up. I eventually regained enough thought to crawl to the top of the stairs and lay down, fighting the urge to throw up. Once I caught my voice, I told David to call 911 instead. I thought for sure it was a tubal pregnancy and that the baby or me was in serious trouble. They got there fairly fast, and started an IV right away since my BP was only 80/50. They gave me some IV anti-nausea medication and took me to the ER.

The pain and nausea and light-headed feeling continued all day, even with the meds. to help it. Every time I urinated, the pain got worse, not like a bladder infection, but like the muscles in my uterus/surrounding area were spasming. They ran a few tests and said it looked like the pain was coming from a cyst that was leaking some sort of fluid, but they wanted to keep me overnight to make sure it wasn't a tubal or appendicitis. So we spent Mother's Day and the next day in the hospital getting not-so-great treatment. My first nurse, when my pain and discomfort was the worst, would say, "well, your vitals look fine," when I would call her and tell her how horrible I was feeling, instead of actually asking if there was something she could do to help. She actually stopped the IV almost as soon as I arrived at the hospital, even though the IV had gotten my BP up to normal. She restarted it when I told her I was feeling lightheaded again, even though I was laying flat on my back. One nurse thought I was 5 months pregnant, one thought I had just delivered, one said my pain could be implantation-related and tried to offer me ibuprofen, when it's a no-no during pregnancy. The ER doc said that they couldn't confirm I was actually pregnant since the fetus wasn't visible yet, even though my HCG had risen substantially and there was a gestational sac in the uterus. Maybe they meant they didn't know if I had a viable pregnancy, but to be told that you might not be pregnant when you're so scared for the baby is very upsetting. The nurse I had for Monday was awful. Not only was there a huge language barrier (they should really require that the nurses at least understand everything you're saying), but she rarely checked on me, thought I was there for contractions, and refused to take out my IV that was obviously irritating my vein. How hard would it be to start a new one if needed?! Then the kicker came during check-out when the Dr. came in and said, "I see you're here because you're having some discomfort." Some discomfort, I thought! Stubbing your toe causes some discomfort, this was more than discomfort... it is the worst pain I have ever been in!! He hardly explained a thing, told us the HCG had dropped from the morning to the evening, and never confirmed what the pain had been caused from or how long I could expect it to last.

In all, I felt like the majority of the people just brushed me off. By the time the charge nurse got there, I was so upset I was bawling, and I just spilled out how I felt and what had gone on. She gave me a sheet to fill out and told me to write everything down, and called my OB right away. She personally stopped by on her way home from her hair appointment to talk to us about things. She said I was definitely pregnant, and that the HCG drop could have been from the cyst bursting. She also confirmed that she thought the cyst was the cause of the pain, and to expect residual pain for up to a week. I was so thankful that she stopped by, it really helped me out and answered some questions.

I had a follow-up ultrasound yesterday, and they saw a yolk sac in the gestational sac, and the sac had grown as well. My HCG had gone from 5700 Sunday morning to 4900 Sunday evening to 13000 Tuesday morning. So all signs look good right now. And, as expected, my morning sickness hit yesterday afternoon. Now I'm fighting all-day nausea and taking it as another good sign, even though I feel like death warmed over. So that's why I've been absent for a few days. I'll have another blood draw and ultrasound on Monday to see where things are at. Keep praying!!

Praise GOD!

The levels went up to 731, so they more than doubled. We're not out of the woods, but it's a start...
Pray for our bean.

*My Dr. called this evening to talk to me personally. She said the levels weren't high, but since they were going up, it was a positive sign. We also rescheduled the first ultrasound for the 19th, since on the 14th, I will only be 5w4d, and once I'm past 6 weeks we should see more (if I progress that far). She actually didn't sound very optimistic, which kind of sucks, but they told me flat out that Dorothy was going to miscarry early on and she didn't. So they're not always right. I'm just encouraged that my numbers doubled. She wants to do one more draw early next week... I think I'll go Monday first thing so I can get my results that afternoon. I will be 23 DPO on Monday and my HCG should be around 4400 or so by my estimation, if it doubles every 48 hours. Basically, she told me the only chance of this baby making it is staying on the progesterone. I'm sure glad I started taking it right away (even before she ok'd it). So we shall see...*

HCG results

My HCG at 16 DPO was 345, which is 300 higher than my last one made it to. Really the next one is going to tell us whether it's good news or bad, but at least I know it's within "normal" range for now.

In Remembrance

I went to a one-year bible school shortly after high school, and I heard yesterday that the girl that was in the dorm room next to mine lost her son. I don't know exactly when he was born, but he came early... I think about a month ago? His due date would have been on the 10th of May. He was in seemingly perfect health when he passed away suddenly on Sunday. Though I don't know her that well, my heart breaks for them. Please remember their family, losing this sweet little Jacob.

Hopefulness

I'm really working on being hopeful, but I also want to protect myself. It's natural to try to shield one's heart from more pain. However, even the times I pretended (or tried) not to be attached to my babies, the connection was instant. Regardless of my feelings going in to the pregnancy, when it was lost, I still had grief. Due to the spotting and the lack of symptoms, my OB did order blood tests to see where my hormone levels are at... one today and one in 48 hrs. I stopped by dollar tree on my way home to get a urine test because I wanted to prepare myself for the numbers to be astronomically low. In fact, I was already convinced that my at-home test would be a blaring negative. I've already started planning my summer without the thought of being pregnant. Funny how we assume we know things before they happen. Well, the test turned a DARK positive immediately. The test line showed up before the pee even crossed the window. I'm taking it as a sign of hope. For now. Ask me in a few minutes and I might tell you differently. But it is what it is. The test still tells me I'm pregnant, so there's nothing to do but believe that I am. Any prayers for one last miracle baby would be appreciated.

Need some time off!

I get two days off this week, but to be truthful, I just need the whole week! My temp was down a bit this morning, not super far, but the dip back down was really gradual over a few days the last two times, and it was right around where I am now. Honestly, I don't FEEL pregnant at all, which is mostly the reason I think this isn't going anywhere. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself. Maybe I have more reason to hope than I think... but I'm just trying to be realistic. The two times I did make it through the first trimester, I had wickedly sore boobs, constant hunger, constant peeing, you know the drill. Right now I don't really feel anything. But on the flip side, no cramping or spotting today, which *might* be a good sign. Not holding my breath after everything we've gone through, though. Positive pregnancy tests just don't (with one exception) equal take-home babies for us. Can you blame me for being a pessimist?

For now, all I can do is hope.... and kiss my baby girl even more than normal, if that's possible:) She's just too kissable.

The home front

The news is that I tested positive this week... but please no congratulations yet. I spotted a bit today, and have been having quite a bit of cramping, so I'm just assuming that the progesterone supplements are delaying the inevitable. On the off chance that they might be saving a baby, I'm going to continue taking them. My OB is not taking betas (pregnancy hormone levels) so now I have no warning on whether or not I am going to miscarry again. And my first appointment is not until the 14th. The waiting game is so hard...

I'm just praying that this little one makes it, but then again I've begged God before and it hasn't made a difference in the outcome. I wonder why my body won't hold a baby...