Thursday, January 24, 2008

Please don't take my baby...

I've spent the day crying. And studying for my math test. And crying some more. And showing up for math class trying to look like I hadn't been crying all day. They didn't say that the pregnancy was doomed, but I don't see how a rise of less than 1/3 when it should be doubling is anything to be hopeful about. And I really just don't know how to feel other than hopeless and angry. I pounded the steering wheel and yelled at God tonight... because I could. "DO you even care about me at all?? Well, do you?!!" I know, so mature, so full of faith. But I don't have anything else in me.

*I just feel so alone, and ready to give up on the idea of having more children. But my heart breaks at the thought of not feeling that life inside me again. I just can't bear the thought. But I also can't bear the thought of trying again. Please tell me there is hope; tell me there is a way to work the kaiser system to get the testing and help to carry a baby to term. Because if I don't have someone that will be proactive and not twiddle their thumbs and brush off my babies as statistics, then I can't do this again. I just can't. Tell me there is hope.*

1 comment:

my4kids said...

I'm sorry....
You don't have to be mature all the time and I think we all question whether he is paying attention at some point sometimes many points...