Thursday, January 10, 2008


Somehow life keeps moving forward, even when a heart stands still. It has only been 18 days since we lost our second baby, but in a way it feels like it never happened. Somehow this time I don't feel like I have the right to grieve, to talk about our baby. Maybe it's because it was early this time. We only knew for a week, yet that baby was in my thoughts and prayers for months. No, since I was a child. I have such a hard time letting go of my dream of having a house full of children. Little glimpses of David; shadows of myself.

We've been trying now for just over 5 months, yet each day seems slower than the last as I wait... for something that may or may not be. Yet the pain is dulled by Dorothy's smiles. After we lost Kaily I was not myself. The 6 1/2 months that we tried for Dorothy was the darkest valley of my life... and I have had some dark ones. Now I have a child, yet my heart still aches for another one. There is a part of me that is empty and crying out for those newborn days... and the life that follows them. And I wonder why.

Somehow at the end of the day, I have made it through yet again.

Somehow I can still laugh and love.

Somehow our family will grow.

Somehow I will learn to let go... but the letting go is the hardest part. When I started bleeding, I prayed and begged God to spare me the pain; that He would not allow me to say goodbye to another baby too soon. Still here I sit. At times I don't know what to make of it.


my4kids said...

Becci, you said it yourself on about another blogger who lost a baby early. "A life is a life, no matter how small". You are allowed to greive this baby and honestly I grieve with you, it just makes me so sad for you and David.
Don't let go of your dreams though. Somehow it will happen, you guys deserve it maybe not the large family you wanted but I truely believe you will have more babies someday, honest....
I love you and your family (((hugs)))

Tonya said...

I am so sorry you are going through this Becci.. and even more sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you but hang in there.. I truly believe things will get better for you and this is coming from a pesimist so it must mean something.. **hugs**

purple_kangaroo said...

Hugs, Becci. You feel however you want to feel . . . nobody can tell you how to feel. There's no right or wrong way to process something like this.

Anonymous said...

I don't comment very often but felt a need to this time. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I could say I know what you're going through but everybody's emotions are different. My husband and I have three beautiful girls ranging in age from 4-15 and thought we were done having children. Early November we were suprised to find out I was pregnant. Initially my emotions ranged from shock to excited and everywhere in between. We had so much heartbreak last summer losing 2 close family members and just knew this was God's way of bringing sunshine into our lives. I had never experienced a miscarriage or loss of a child before so I was devestated when I miscarried in early December. Sometimes I feel that I don't have the right to grieve because we hadn't told anybody yet and we weren't planning for this child. Sometimes I feel by miscarrying I'm being punished for questioning God's ways when we first found out. I pray that you soon see the light at the end of this dark long tunnel. I pray that God rewards you with another child soon. Sending warm and comforting thoughts your way..
Nancy L, IA