Saturday, December 29, 2007

Rewind please....

If there was a rewind button on life, I'd like to hit it about now. And go back to change everything. On the 23rd we found out that my friend Cheri lost her battle with cancer and went home to be with the Lord. She lived her life with such grace, and lived her last days still putting God and others before herself. She has a grace that I do not have. Sitting in her service today was hard, not because of her being gone. As hard as it is to say goodbye, harder still is looking at my own life. My faith has been shaken. Really since we lost Kaily it hasn't been the same.

I wish I could say I trust Him no matter what comes, but when it comes to bearing children, I cannot. It is too painful and too deep a desire; so much a part of me that it's almost me myself. To separate the desire to bear children and to love and nurture them would be to deny who I am at my core. Yet this is what He requires of me? It is too hard to swallow. I don't have the strength to do it. So I am at a stand-still. I want to love Him no matter what, to live my life as Cheri did (and as Job) and say, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!" I want to be that person who can say the Lord is good regardless of what circumstances come. And I know the Lord suffered as well...

But when that taking away is a child ripped from the womb, the truth becomes a sword. How can we run to God for comfort when He is the only one that has control over whether a soul lives or dies? How can I pray to Him when I fear Him? Can I say "blessed be the name of the Lord" when I'm sick as a dog and miscarrying; when my friend has dies of cancer; when everyone in the house is puking while I'm still trying to recover and I am having a mental breakdown because I cannot handle one more thing; when I miss Christmas celebrations altogether because I'm too sick to be coherent? Evidently I can't say it. As much as I want to be, I am not that person. I just don't know how to be.

Maybe the pain is too fresh. Maybe tomorrow will bring with it fresh hope.

But month after month of not being pregnant followed by the dread of assuming that positive pregnancy test equals dead baby? My hope is wavering somewhere in the distance. I only wish I could hold it in my hand again.

10 comments:

my4kids said...

Becci,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend first off. I understand what your are saying second. Their are a lot of things that have happened in my life and with my family that people don't know all the details about (not even Hannah). I have times all of the time where I can't say that either. When I can I don't always know if I mean it deep down.
I do pray for you. I hope you get those children you desire to hold in your hands and your heart like Dorothy now.
(((hugs))) I know that I can't really say anything to make things alright or even better just know that I do care about you and your family deeply.

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry about your friend. It's hard to believe that a God could do such things like take our friends, and our babies. I don't know what to say, I'm just really sorry that you're going thru this. And I hope you find peace and hope soon.

sarah said...

I am so very sorry.

purple_kangaroo said...

Big, big hugs. I'm so sorry.

The Princess said...

Faith is such a fragile thing, especially when it is shaken to the core. To regain it after such terrible losses is a challenge.

We are all here for you, reach out if you need us.

Alice said...

I'm so sorry about your friend, and about everything you and your family are going through right now. I hope you can use this blog as a safe outlet for your feelings and emotions. take care.

KMW said...

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there.

Lori Rode said...

Dear one, I am thinking of you today and praying for you. May you be restored, whatever shape that restoration takes. I would hug you and hold you forever. I would take your pain and sorrow from your soul if I could.

Kendra's mom said...

I am really sorry about your friend and about your miscarriage. What a lousy Christmas. I must say that after losing my daughter I find it very difficult to reconcile a God of love and compassion and one who takes away hope and life. What has brought me a bit of peace, and it is only my point of view, is to change my view of God. Although I have tried not to, I find that I do still believe in God. What has changed is that I do not think of him as an all powerful being who can give and take away life and prevent suffering. Because if that were the case then dammit why did my daughter and so many countless other children have to die? Why does he allow so much suffering in this world? I see him rather as someone who can provide comfort during difficult times and can give one the personal inner strength to get through hardships. If I thought God had that much power then I think I would truly hate him for allowing the atrocities which take place in this world, therefore I remove his power and find that I can still believe. Sorry, just my 2cents worth.
Good luck for 2008. I hope it gives you the baby you long for.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry but can understand why your faith would be shaky after what you have been through. Have you heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant? It has helped me with my losses. I can't tell you how much. I pray it will minister to your heart as well and that you will always be "held". You are in my prayers friend.