Rewind please....

If there was a rewind button on life, I'd like to hit it about now. And go back to change everything. On the 23rd we found out that my friend Cheri lost her battle with cancer and went home to be with the Lord. She lived her life with such grace, and lived her last days still putting God and others before herself. She has a grace that I do not have. Sitting in her service today was hard, not because of her being gone. As hard as it is to say goodbye, harder still is looking at my own life. My faith has been shaken. Really since we lost Kaily it hasn't been the same.

I wish I could say I trust Him no matter what comes, but when it comes to bearing children, I cannot. It is too painful and too deep a desire; so much a part of me that it's almost me myself. To separate the desire to bear children and to love and nurture them would be to deny who I am at my core. Yet this is what He requires of me? It is too hard to swallow. I don't have the strength to do it. So I am at a stand-still. I want to love Him no matter what, to live my life as Cheri did (and as Job) and say, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!" I want to be that person who can say the Lord is good regardless of what circumstances come. And I know the Lord suffered as well...

But when that taking away is a child ripped from the womb, the truth becomes a sword. How can we run to God for comfort when He is the only one that has control over whether a soul lives or dies? How can I pray to Him when I fear Him? Can I say "blessed be the name of the Lord" when I'm sick as a dog and miscarrying; when my friend has dies of cancer; when everyone in the house is puking while I'm still trying to recover and I am having a mental breakdown because I cannot handle one more thing; when I miss Christmas celebrations altogether because I'm too sick to be coherent? Evidently I can't say it. As much as I want to be, I am not that person. I just don't know how to be.

Maybe the pain is too fresh. Maybe tomorrow will bring with it fresh hope.

But month after month of not being pregnant followed by the dread of assuming that positive pregnancy test equals dead baby? My hope is wavering somewhere in the distance. I only wish I could hold it in my hand again.

Update

To top yesterday off I got the stomach flu and had to go in to get rehydrated. They confirmed that it was a miscarriage, as my hcg was only 10. Still feeling physically awful today and dreading months of ttc again.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is a downer for me this year. Dorothy is sick. And last week we found out we were pregnant again, only to start bleeding this morning. Just don't know how I feel about going through ttc again.

Finally

Sorry to leave you all hanging...

We finally have internet at our new place. Not too much time to write at the moment, but I'll get on later to update you:)